Attention deficit disorders are well known to nearly everyone. But, as in many other similar cases the name of something often does not suggest the real problem or what the solution is. Some of us think that if we see unusual or difficult behavior giving it a name makes us feel better and will give us methods to provide solutions for it. Instead, sometimes giving something a name is like a brand that stays with us much longer than it should and even confuses the issue.

I will give an example. Today most people agree on the symptoms of attentional problems The most common include susceptibility to distractions, difficulty concentrating, failure to develop self regulation skills, difficulty focusing on learning tasks, interrupting others, failure to keep time, and mood swings or vulnerability to depression. Hyperactivity may or may not be a part of attentional problems. Now, having described the most common symptoms consider other parts of the issue.

There is more than one type of attentional problem. One kind is based on the idea that the brain works inefficiently (especially brain neuron synapses) and a certain type of medication (e.g. ritalin) stimulates the production of a neural transmitter (dopamine) that helps the brain be more efficient. Another kind of attentional problem is based on the idea that the brain works too slow and receives more stimulation than it can handle, like a bottle neck, and children lose attention to external conditions because they are working on what is going on inside their brains. Another view is that the brain is working too fast and does not have enough information to keep it going well.

There are other types and there is still controversy about what causes it. Some, for example, still think that food, especially food dyes and sugar may be the cause. Based on my reading of the research there is no established link between food and this problem. Research has consistently shown that it is likely inherited because it is shown in cognitive disorders that can be passed on to one generation after another.

I have learned there are a few things parents can do to help out. (1) Change your parenting approach to address the child’s emotions before trying to control his or her actions. Learn to speak calmly and teach the child to focus on feelings and talk about them. Children in this situation typically are very anxious and need help managing their anxieties. (2) Create a structured rule environment where children can succeed and make progress at self management. This might include firmly enforced rules about bed time, meal time, social behavior, and etc. (3) As children grow older help them understand their own tendencies so they can talk about them and develop strategies for success. Children typically are very willing to understand themselves. (4) Practice cognitive skills such as memory, concentration, following directions after hearing two or three at one time discriminating between things that look alike, delay of gratification, and visualizing their plans. For instance, put six small objects in front of the child, give him ten seconds to look at them, then ask him to close his eyes while you remove one object. Ask which one is missing. Or, put a piece of candy out in the open and tell the child he can have a cracker now or the piece of candy in a few minutes if he is willing to wait. (5) Find them and reward natural talents where children can succeed. Many children with attentional problems may have strong rhythm and coordination skills, creativity, or the ability to build and make things.(6) Use a variety of learning methods where school is concerned, especially methods that will permit “hands on” experiences. Use see, hear, and touch methods. (7) Use medication only as a short term plan while behavior becomes stabilized then remove the medication and practice cognitive skills. If more medication is needed then use on an alternating basis between practice and stability. (8) Help children learn an internalized measure of their value so they are less dependent on schools achievement or social success for their self esteem.

We seem to be faced with increasing numbers of children who are diagnosed as having an attentional disorder. In my opinion, we need to help them, but we should also not forget there are many ways to promote their success and there are many who have attentional problems who have found areas of great achievement.

Several years ago I read Steven Hawkings book titled “A brief history of time.” He was a renowned physicist, as most know, and the book was about science and how it relates to our understanding of time. I found the whole idea interesting because I could see some connections between what he was saying about science and about relationships. There are many different ways to think about space and time and relationships. Here is an example. All our relationships of strangers, friends, and family members are organized mentally in terms of how close or distant and how much time or the lack of it is spent with the other people. Marriage, for instance, is usually thought of as closer than an uncle or nephew relationship. And, spending time is often thought of as a measure of interest, commitment, and desire. The point is we use both space and time to evaluate
our relationships.

Until lately I have not thought that our ideas of space and time where matter where relationships are concerned. I have come to believe they are crucial and are so embedded in our lives they are often linked to a cognitive map we develop as we grow. In a family where much time is spent with each other family members often have a different mental map than someone whose childhood was in a family where members spent little time with each other. Families who live in the same place, for instance, appear to influence their children to stay close by. Families who move a lot tend to have children that move away from their home residence. When parents and children spend a lot of time together while children are young, the children often tend to spend more time with each other even after marrying themselves.

Further, our ideas about space seem to be learned in much the same way. The idea of “needing space,” which means being left alone, is another example of how people develop personal maps that include space and time. Some people need a lot of space away from others and some require less. Our ideas about when we need space and when we can be involved with others also can be part of this map. For instance, some individuals can stand little stress and want to be away to have their own space a lot more often than someone else.

As it turns out the ideas of personal space and the organization of time are two of the fundamentals which make or break relationships. A clingy person is desired only by someone who likes to be clung to. A clingy person who seeks closeness is often less attractive to someone who is highly independent and values his or her space. A punctual, on time person, values his or her time in this way and measures friendship or concern by whether the other person places similar value on time. Conflict in either of these areas suggests the possibility of other relationship problems. There are numerous other examples.

What does this mean? Probably a lot more than I am going to right about but at least a few of the following things. When selecting a potential marriage partner it would be well to get a good idea about how well you are matched on space and time. Learn how your friends think about those two things and examine if you can adjust to any differences between the two of you. It may save your friendship. Examine your own mental map and see what you believe about space and time. What you believe may influence where you want to live, how many people you want to live around, and how far you want to travel.

When do you want and need space from others and what kind of space do you wish for? What forms of time are important to you (just watch when you are on time and when you are not) and see if you are losing friends because you don’t pay attention to their ideas about space and time.

Some of us would do well to think a little more about space and time and if you don’t you probably will think about them when you have problems. It is easier to be proactive. The success of our friendships, marriages, and families may depend on it.

There are few family events more sobering that someone passing away. Even when the possibility is known in advance someone dying causes us to reflect and remind ourselves about things very important to us. I am old enough to have had both parents die, my in laws, a brother, and other family relatives as well. Professionally I have had the privilege of helping people who are terminally ill and their family members. I regard these experiences as a privilege because even though the emotions are solemn and sad, being with people during these times reveals much about them one ordinarily does not see.

Most of us are familiar with the grief cycle of denial, anger, resolution, acceptance, and eventually peace of mind. I have watched people go through those steps and even tried to help people move from stage to stage. In the process I have learned something else I would like to point out. It is about the role of death in families and how it is interpreted by them.

When I was in high school a student acquaintance was killed in a car accident. Because I knew her and traveled on the bus to school with her I was asked by her parents to be a pall bearer. I accepted without knowing much about that. As I watched her family deal with their loss I was able to begin my understanding of what death means to family.

I went to the cemetery and waited while the ceremonies were completed and was leaving when something very dramatic took place. In those days the officials didn’t wait until everyone was gone before they lowered the casket and as we were moving away from the grave they started the process. Hearing the associated sounds this girls mother broke from her husband’s comforting arm and started walking back toward the grave. Tears streaming down her cheeks she walked close by me saying, “don’t take my baby away.” She stumbled and fell to her knees, right in front of me, allowing her husband to catch her. He took her in his arms and restrained her while comforting her in the process. This whole scene shook me up a bit and has stayed in my memory. It made death and the process of adjusting to it very real.

From this family and many others I have learned that we can face death in different ways. Some of these are better for us and for members of the family. For instance, I have seen young couples give up on their marriages after a child dies. For some reason their love for each other dies too because they cannot get over the sense of guilt and blame they each feel for themselves and for the other. I have watched as parents children in accidents and felt their sorrow related to the missed opportunities which results. I have seen older people face death with grace and dignity. In all of it I have seen people face death with great courage and some with anger and resentment.

On one occasion a terminally ill man was so resentful of it he became grumpy, demanding, and very irritable. He made life miserable for the other members of his family. I had read an account where a therapist had helped someone face death by reminding him of a tomato plant and how it continues to ripen its fruit even after it is pulled from the ground. I tried that on him and it worked. He went home from my office sorry he was causing so much difficulty, gathered all his immediate family around him and apologized. He used his remaining time more positively.

I conclude from these and many other experiences that death gives us an opportunity to learn. Most importantly I have learned that the process of death and dying is subject to our own interpretation and most of want it to be full of meaning and importance. How we interpret death may be connected to religious beliefs or the absence of them but the awareness that we can choose how we interpret death gives us a sense of power that is very useful. Where families are concerned we can teach each other how to interpret it. We can use this tool as a way of comforting children, as a way of responding to our own loss, and as a way of facing it ourselves. For instance, we can understand that where there is great loss there was also great love. Where there is great sadness there was once great joy. Where there is great loneliness there was great belonging. Then, if we choose, we can think of the departed in those terms and remind ourselves of the many wonderful things they meant and will continue to mean to us. Having the choice to interpret death in a way that matters to us is indeed a wonderful thing.

When words are repeated they often catch our attention and when they are repeated in similar situations they seem more significant and may create more than casual interest.
For me, this is the case when married people talk about mistakes they have made and wish to excuse the mistake by describing it as small or little. One might say after making the mistake, “it is just a little thing.” The idea, I suppose, is that small mistakes should be more easily over looked and if one doesn’t do that then the inference is that the offended party is somehow unreasonable or unforgiving. While the motive for this whole business might be to limit embarrassment or shame, some small mistakes communicate something very big. I will give some examples.

A man saved for and purchased an expensive European car. He was very proud of it and loved to drive it and receive the admiring glances of other people. On one occasion, while he was at work, his wife took the car and while driving it, what hit by another driver denting the left front fender. When she told him about the accident, to her surprise he became angry at her and called her a familiar but hurtful name. When she recoiled he quickly realized his mistake and told her he was sorry and that he had just, “lost it” and she should not make too much out of it. But, she did.

On another occasion a husband and wife agreed on a business deal. When the husband was in a negotiation, he violated his deal with his wife and gave the other men more than what he and she had agreed. When he told her of what he had done, she was hurt and reminded him of their original agreement. He reacted defensively and blamed her for her lack of confidence in him, but then later he apologized. She found it difficult to accept what he had done. Was this a small thing?

On another occasion, a woman promised her husband she would meet him and their friends for dinner at a certain time. On the appointed evening she was forty five minutes late. She had been talking with one of her close friends and had failed to look at the time. This had happened more than once. When reminded about this she casually tried to make it look like the whole thing was overblown and unimportant. Was this a small thing?

By now you might be thinking that no one is perfect and I should just face that fact. Married people have to accept these sorts of things as part of being married. While many people are faced with some “small” mistakes and do not stay angry about them, other types of mistakes are seldom forgotten and quite frequently they are brought up again and again in subsequent arguments or discussions. They seem to have a life of their own and the memory of hurt lingers. On these occasions one spouse will blame the other for having too good a memory and failing to forgive.

In many marriages memories of these mistakes begin to characterize the relationship and both have their library of hurtful memories which are mingled in their thoughts about their relationship. Why are these little mistakes so hurtful and why are they remembered?

It is because these mistakes are not little they are serious because they are considered symbols of how committed, attentive, loyal, and loving one person may not be. When reasons for divorce are identified a researcher or writer might say it is because of disagreements about sex, money, or something else. But, even if a couple argues about sex or money inside those arguments is a growing belief that one or both do not demonstrate the priority that loving and being committed is of great value. In one case the man whose wife had a car accident could have asked if she was alright and since the damage had been done he could have controlled his tongue and avoided communicating to his wife that she was less important to him than the left front fender of his car. The businessman could have excused himself from his business negotiations and talked with his most important partner. All the people in the business negotiation would have understood. The woman who was often late could learn to value her word and her husband’s time. These are small things to symbolize commitment.

When it comes to the symbols of our priority in life, it is useful to remind ourselves that we want our marriage partner to love and care for us. We want our partner to be giving, loyal, and comforting. It is not a small thing if we want, even apply pressure, and then treat that person as if he or she is less important to us than something or someone else. This is true even if we have our own emotional reasons for the mistake. If we want commitment from the other person we need to show that same priority. It will ennoble us and reaffirm that we are “in to the other person” and know how to truly show the degree of our love.

Most believe that good work habits are an essential part of anyone’s success. And, most parents believe that good work habits are first learned at home. Therefore, work at home, in most families, is divided up among parents and children. From this point part of parents’ work is to get kids to do their work. It can be a real hassle. So, I offer the following suggestions.

Begin early. Start when children are young and invite them to perform a small task. If their language skills, at around three years, are good enough you can teach them to make their bed. This is done by following six steps: (1) show them, (2) practice with them, (3) invite them to do it by themselves, (4) while they are working leave for a few seconds and then return, (5) catch them working, (6) praise, hug, and smile when they are working and when the task is completed.

Add other tasks, show a positive example, teach cooperation, and label them as a “good helper, or good worker.” If you want to build “work,” into a child’s identity it is important for you to show a positive example yourself, give them tasks, and then build the ideas of working and achieving into their identities. Some children are more organized than others and will take to this more easily. Others will require more effort. When you show a positive example of work yourself, while getting them to do their chores, and then use positive labels to describe your children they will use the labels later to describe themselves. They are internalizing the meaning of the word as applied to them. When all of this is connected to the fact that work can be cooperative, which means that more than one person is required to complete the task, children learn their own work is essential for everyone’s success.

Increase their capacity for work. Everyone has some idea of how much can be accomplished in a certain period of time with a certain effort. Some learn that a lot can be accomplished and others learn a more measured approach. If you want your children to have a great capacity for work you can do the following. First, before they start their work (school homework is a good tool to teach this) ask them to estimate how long it will take to complete their work. Then, as they begin help them “self monitor” by organizing to be effective and then staying on the task until it is completed. For instance, many achievers talk to themselves while they are performing.

Teach standards of excellence. For everyone’s emotional health it is important to give allowance for children to get better and better at something rather than demanding perfection all at once. You can do this by asking children to evaluate their own work, pointing out good things, and then asking them to identify what they could do better. Then, with a little follow up they can see if it is possible to improve on their previous performance. Self evaluation by the children accompanied by guided participation from parents leads to better work and more emotional health. A lot of criticism and pressure from parents can motivate children to work but they work with fairly high levels of anxiety.

What about incentives and rewards? Many parents use positive reinforcement or token systems where children get a reward for doing their work. Positive reinforcement works and many parents swear by it but there is one caveat we should note. With some children if you use rewards they will not find the intrinsic pleasure or satisfaction that motivates them to persist to achieve at high levels. So if you use a reward system of some kind, watch to see if children stop working when there is no reward. If this is the case you may want to combine conversation, warmth, and asking kids to identify their feelings of successful achievement at the same time you provide the reward. Then, thin out your rewards to see if your children will continue working. If they do you have taken an external reward and helped them find internal fulfillment.

Does the nature of the work matter? Yes, it does but children need to learn to work at things they don’t like so much as well as participate in just those things they like a lot. To help motivate them use the “Premack Principle,” (after David Premack) which means that you put low probability tasks in front of high probably tasks. That is, they can watch TV after they get their homework done.

Going through the effort to teach good work habits is worth it. Children are productive, their sense of power and adequacy is raised, and they will receive more satisfaction with themselves. Plus, they will grow up and move out instead of staying with you so you can provide for them.

In any academic discipline there are interesting, even eye popping, discoveries that professionals know but seldom communicate with other people. These bits of information often have long term and very powerful impacts. Because of this it is surprising that the discovery is not immediately jumped on and there are many people competing to be famous as the author of it. One of these, in my opinion, is about the benefits of comforting children.

I suppose the idea of comforting a child seems so basic that everyone knows it is important. Or, maybe, we think everyone knows how and when to do it. Neither of these appear to be true. Not everyone knows how important it is and why. Not everyone knows how and when to do it well.

Comforting, for those who do know, is an act of kindness in the face of distress, pain, unhappiness, lost hope, or sorrow. It can be displayed as soothing soft voice tones, increased attention, listening to sorrows, holding and caressing, expressions of hope and encouragement. There are many other displays of it.

Some people have difficulty recognizing the emotional situation of the child and then discriminating a genuine need for comfort from annoying behavior such as whining, complaining, and other signs of malingering. So, instead of comfort they are likely to ignore the emotions, confront the child, demand that he or she face up to challenges, and/or otherwise react to the annoying aspects of the child’s behavior. This is often because they wish to end their own irritation.

The remarkable discovery made about the comforting process should make all of us work hard to learn to recognize when a child is in need of comfort and deliver it with tenderness, patience, and skill. This is because comforting is also a process of helping children transform negative emotions into something more positive. Helping them feel better is an emotional reality. When children are not comforted enough and over a long period of time they do not learn how to change their negative feelings. Later as adults when they are depressed or anxious they have no history of changing their feelings and are made more distressed by the idea their depression or other negative emotions may have no end they know about. Feeling something negative and believing you cannot change it is truly an unhappy experience.

For our children’s sake then it is important for us to value our ability to comfort them and start this process at the very beginning of their lives while they are infants and continue throughout childhood. It is a sign of very good parents who can help their children feel fear and become confident, face discouragement and feel hope, feel alone and instead become secure, feel sad and then feel happier. It is a good thing when parents can help children who feel physical or emotional pain by giving the right attention so they can face their challenges with belief they can be healed.

What we didn’t know was that this process, which may seem common to everyone, has lasting consequences for our children. When parents learn to comfort they are changing one set of emotions from bad to better and giving their children a much happier future.
Imagine the great gift this can be to your children.

It has been a privilege for me to know many people who have worked very hard to make their marriages successful. I have watched them tackle problems ranging from a small communicational difference to betrayal and years of conflict and indifference. As a group, and in most cases, they have cared about themselves, their relationship, their children, and the preservation of their families. To them I owe a great debt because they have demonstrated amazing commitment.

From them I have learned much and I believe I have some responsibility to share what I have learned with others. I am trying to do that in this installment. After working with many people I have been able to observe there are some qualities or characteristics that make it more likely a marriage will be rewarding and will last. I will describe four.

First is the willingness to control or regulate ourselves in behalf of the marriage. An example includes controlling our language so we don’t criticize or condemn our partners.
Another might be to control anger. The actual form of self control may vary from couple to couple and may also include regularly performing valued tasks such as regular meals, going on dates, communication, and etc. All these require that each person exercise enough self control to do things which promote the marriage and not do things which harm it. The absence of this type of self control is, in my experience, almost always associated with conflict and unhappiness.

The second idea is that of freedom. Marriages are more likely to last and be happy when each person has a sense of freedom of choice and ensures that the other person feels this same feeling. Controlling another person, indifference to the other person, demanding and complaining all rob people of their feelings of freedom and without freedom the sensation of love diminishes. A person’s need for freedom is unique in many ways and has to be addressed in a way unique to the couple, but its absence is a factor in every unhappy relationship and its presence is involved in every happy relationship I have known about.

Third, successful couples learn how to communicate to each other that their concern for each other is greater than the issues they are discussing. For instance, while making plans or making a decision one turns to the other and asks, “what do you want or, is this alright with you?” he or she is sending the message that personal desires are important in every decision. Happy couples seldom go past the point of making or carrying out a decision unless they know both are on board. Sometimes one may not get what he or she wants because both cannot get their way at the same time. But, over time, concern must be shown for the desires of each person or there will be trouble.

Fourth, each person understands how to make emotional sacrifices and will do so in many situations. The intimacy of a marriage has many forms and qualities. It is more varied and exciting when it is not restricted by the emotional limitations presented by one or both. For instance, when one cannot communicate about his or her feelings, the sense of intimacy may be restricted. So, to promote and preserve their union one or both must sacrifice a natural tendency (in this case it would be to be silent) in order to give the other something wanted and needed. When successful this form of sacrifice brings with it the most tender form of love because this form of love includes awareness of and gratitude for the sacrifice.

Personal stability, or self control, freedom, showing priority and concern for the other, and sacrifice are those qualities which people who are unhappy learn in order to make themselves happy and fulfilled. Those couples who do these things, in the first place, may have challenges in their lives, but they bring their marriages to a place of high fulfillment and live long lives of happiness together.

In the late 90’s I participated in creating a program to help school teachers teach character development. This program called, “Character and Competence,” was successfully introduced into more than 150 schools. At the same time I worked on a parenting program that was designed to help parents strengthen their family leadership by structuring or organizing their family to promote learning, achievement, and character. This was titled, “The Six Best Things You Can Do For Your Kids.” It has been used by many families and the responses from many parents have been heartening.

This last year we put both of these together in a local school in an approach to get parents more relevantly and effectively involved with class room teachers. This program is called, “Close the Distance.” Instead of asking parents to come to meetings at the school we asked parents to form an ongoing partnership with classroom teachers who also structure or organize their classes around the goals of improved learning, achievement, and character. The idea is that children benefit when they have good relationships with influential adults and the adults have good relationships with each other.

So far the results are truly exciting. We have filmed four families and the teacher who have agreed to show how they participate in the approach to close the distance between them. Two single parent families and two dual parent families are involved. The true measure, of course, are the results demonstrated by the children involved, but there are other benefits that seem remarkable to me. Because they feel closer to each other and feel like partners the parents believe the school to be more helpful and the teacher feels more motivated because she thinks parents are working with her. The children have come to believe they can learn more than they originally thought possible.

All this made me realize that in our modern society we are separating ourselves from each other in many different situations and at many different levels. Many families are less likely to have regular family meals together, have talking binges with each other, and play together. Between home and school many parents feel isolated and many teachers feel that a lot of parents don’t care. In some cases the sense of community between parents and schools has been lost entirely. Parents are pulling their children out of the public schools and either home school them, enroll them in private or charter schools, and/or anything else they can think of to improve the teacher-pupil ration which creates greater intimacy and personal involvement.

Our society is represented by growing numbers of children born without access to their fathers and growing numbers of single people who are unmarried and cannot find people acceptable to them. The implied isolation of these two bits of data are fairly obvious. Many immigrants are finding it difficult to feel as if they belong. We see more incidents of violence and violent crime. We still see gaps in our efforts to eliminate racial and ethnic gaps. Probably for many reasons we and our children are in a time when belonging, membership, unity, and involvement seem to be more desirable in some ways than ever before.

What are the consequences? At this same time this sense of alienations exists we have seen a quadrupling of diagnosed cases of depression, increases in addictions, and increases in suicide rates. Are they related to social isolation? Probably no one thing causes any other one thing, but there is some evidence that some of biggest personal and social problems are the result of emotional and social barriers which some people cannot surpass.

We can respond to these current and future conditions by giving greater emphasis to teaching our children how to be more successful with others. This is not just a popularity program. This will require that we do a better job of teaching high quality social and friendship skills and a better job of teaching about the character traits of responsibility and integrity. These two qualities are among the most important when it comes to participating and belonging with others. Let’s get started.

Family life is often so hectic and busy that after all the meals, chores, traveling, conversations, and everything else, we feel lucky if we survive the day. Hopefully some of those times are fun and enjoyable laced with teaching moments that make us, as parents, feel like we are doing something useful. But, in the middle of this part of our lives there are things we should make certain we pay attention to. One of these is holding children accountable for what they agree to do and are responsible for doing.

On one occasion one of my children wanted to go out and play. I asked this boy, who was eight or nine years of age, to come home for dinner at a definite time in the evening. He agreed. He was playing in the neighborhood with friends and he could easily hear when I reminded him of the time. So, at the appointed hour and dinner was ready I let him know it was time for him to come in. Instead he and his friends went somewhere else and he didn’t come in for thirty minutes or so. Eventually he came traipsing in. When he arrived we had finished eating and I could have provided the consequence that he could not eat that evening. Some child discipline books suggest that course of action. But, I wanted to hold him accountable and so asked him if he would go out and ask his friends to come in to meet me. “Why?” he asked. I said, “I want to meet the people who are more important to you than I am!” A rush of feeling came to his face as he considered that awful possibility and he immediately wanted to make amends. We worked it out.

In the course of our relationships with our children there are times when we instruct, ask for, make demands about, and teach. In each of these times there is either an implied or very explicit message that our children are to respond to what we ask of them. Sometimes we ask them if they will agree to our requests and at other times we simply inform them of what we want and require them to carry it out. In every case there is a relational message from us to them or a promise from them back to us. It is a message of the importance we and they attach to the parent-child relationship. Most of the time children do not understand how important this is and need to be taught.

Accountability is about that relational message. What happens, if in the context of a relationship, someone makes a promise they do not keep? The possibilities include finding an excuse, telling how they forgot, lying, and ignoring the whole issue. In any of these cases one powerful, unspoken message is sent. It is about each person’s commitment, or lack of it, to their relationship. If a child makes a promise to a parent and does not keep it there is more going on than the promise itself. The child’s behavior is communicating something about himself and the value he or she places on his or her relationship with parents. Placing value or being indifferent to relationships is learned while growing up and often extends well into many other relationships. Success in relationships such as friendships, at work, in marriage, and later in parenthood depend on accountability. There appear to be large numbers of people who do not understand this.

So, when rearing children make certain you keep the promises you make to them. I saw a documentary about the life of a famous coach. His son described how, when his father was hired for the job he wanted, the first thing he did was to go to his son’s elementary school and tell him. He had promised to do so. When a child agrees to something, or understands he has been asked to do something by you, it is important to teach accountability. Accountability is about time and it is about communicating. When someone is accountable he or she will accept assignments, fulfill them, and then report how well they were completed in a timely manner. It is not just, “Make your bed.” It is, “Make your bed and come and tell me when you have completed it.”

Suppose you want to create a family rule. You could just impose it or you could discuss with children (if they are old enough) so they have a say in creating the rule at the beginning. When children know about a family rule and fail to honor it, do something more than impose a consequence for failure. His knowledge of the rule and his failure to keep it should be discussed in reference to his relationship with you. Ask, “What does this mean about your feelings for your father and me?” “Do you want to be a person who makes promises and then fails to keep them?”

Teach about accountability and help children understand it. Use examples and tell stories of people who are accountable. Then use the term when dealing with your children. Referencing your relationship and the way children can show respect for these relationships promotes accountability. When your children understand this important quality it makes it possible for them to be more successful in the future when it comes to making, keeping, and talking about other promises. Think about the many possibilities.

For the last few years more and more people have voiced concern about the impact of pornography and its addictive power. We have been told to make certain computers are in public areas and to put filters on every computer children use. We have also been plagued with pornography as it impacts marriages and it has cost many people what would otherwise be a happy marriage.

Many years ago, when marijuana first became available there was a controversy about whether it was actually harmful and at first there was not much evidence showing how harmful it was. Wise people still recommended that it be avoided and those who were wise avoided it. Eventually evidence appeared showing that it was actually worse than first imagined and had more lasting negative consequences for users than it was originally thought. The same thing is true about pornography.

Twenty-five years or so ago I represented my home state and testified at a series of legal hearings concerning potential harmful effects of certain types of television. At that hearing there were legal representatives from the major networks who asked for evidence that violence, sex, and other similar types of content was harmful in any way. At the time there was some fairly good scientific evidence about its potential for harm but it was not sufficient to conclusively prove that viewing violent and sexual content led to harmful behavior. Just because there was not conclusive proof did not mean that watching certain types of TV harmed people. But evidence has been found. The same is true of pornography.

The impact of pornography is different for different people, but the impact is substantial and very subtle. Quite often users think that if they quit any negative consequence for them has gone away. Not true. Here are some facts supported by good evidence. One exposure can be enough to addict some individuals. These addictions can last a long time and the motivation to be in contact with pornography gets associated with a variety of moods. Even when a person is not actively looking or being involved with it, the motivation to be involved may reappear over and over again throughout life. Addictions are accompanied by self-hatred, loss of esteem and self-control. For younger men and women addictions to pornography often result in a loss of productivity or the ability to accomplish work. In some cases pornography is a precursor to more harmful and violent sexual crimes including child molestation and abuse, rape, and assaults. One addiction, such as pornography, may lead to others such as prescription medication and other harmful chemicals.

Addiction is displayed in many forms of behavior and is therefore the most obvious result. There are other consequences which are much more difficult to detect but which have very harmful potential. Pornography not only communicates disloyalty to a spouse but it takes this disloyalty to a new and hurtful level. There are several possibilities and I will describe only one here. The person exposed to pornography begins to objectify his or her sexual partner and rather than using sex to achieve an emotional intimacy filled with tenderness and bonding, sex becomes an activity to gratify and because of that the sexual relationship begins to focus exclusively on one or more erotic outcomes. The emphasis on this outcome may be so focused that one person will push the partner past where he or she wishes to go. Even though one person makes it clear that something is not liked or preferred, the other insists and makes controlling demands suggesting that it is his or her right to this experience. Both lose self-respect and the one who is intruded upon feels unimportant and used. This disruption can last a long time and requires great effort to repair.

When children are impacted by pornography they often become seclusive and if not that, they attempt to hide what they are doing from their parents. Instead of a transparent parent-child relationship, the child begins to deceive. The duplicity in the child’s life not only takes the child away from parental support but it also creates significant amounts of distrust. Often the child’s feelings may range from withdrawn, depressive behavior to anger and resentment. When adolescents are involved the lying which often emerges may center on several forms of misbehavior, including inadequate school work, unwillingness to follow parental guidelines, and social-sexual behavior. This can have, as most know, significant and lasting consequences.

What should we do? Pornography is now so available and is used by so many it should be one of the first questions a spouse or parent asks when inquiring to see what might be at the root of some problem or some change in emotions. Such emotional changes might be due to drug use and so parents should also suspect that. Denying any involvement is the first line of self-protection but if one persists many children and spouses will confess, especially if they are tired of their own self-misery. Help can be obtained and hopefully relationships and individuals can be healed.