Timing and Happy Marriages

We have learned to think about time in more than one way. For instance, when it comes to marriage we often hear or read about the importance of spending time with each other, or taking time to nurture this important relationship. Then we learn it is a useful idea to correctly gauge when to tell a spouse something which may be difficult to say or listen to. This idea is reduced to “timing is everything” and we learn the importance of this because most of us have said something at the wrong time and have learned that even good intentions might result in something else.

There is a third use of time which is familiar to everyone except as applied to marriage. We all know that we have a past, present, and future. We are often encouraged to live in the present because the future cannot be predicted and the past has passed. Where the emotional benefits of marriage are concerned, however, this application of time can be used another way. Criticism and blame are almost always in the past because they are statements describing something which has already taken place. The more marriages become unhappy for either person the more they communicate about things or events in the past. When quarrels about something in the past become more elaborate and habitual people often add absolutes such as “you never,” or “you always.” This often leads to a partners debating the inaccuracy of such statements but locks the couple into thinking that whatever causes unhappiness is not going to change.

I once told my wife that “I can see you sitting there filled with love for me.” After laughing at me she agreed. Then I explained that I hoped for that to continue and thought maybe I would promote that goal by loving her. Then I discovered that it is possible to have conversations in the present about current things and in the present about future possibilities. Hope, love, faith, charity, and other positive forms of behavior almost always lie between the present and the future. If couples learn to say instead of criticizing, “I would like…” or “If we worked together on this we could…” they might be able to move themselves away from a negative past into a more hopeful future. As it turns out, happiness is connected to hope and the belief that things can get better. It is a great use of time to talk about things in the present as they might out in the future. Getting the good things we hope for is more likely if we can communicate clearly about them and care enough to help each other get them.