To Have Or To Be

Eric Fromm once wrote a book with this same title. It is about the age old conflict people have with working to have things or expending effort to be a certain type of person. I have thought recently about how closely his ideas still apply to us in the world in which we live today. I will explain. Seeking possessions, or “to have” things, leads to the the idea of “doing” work, expending effort, maximizing productivity, achieving status, seeking wealth, organizing, and the like. Focusing on “being” something leads to personal qualities and relationship skills such as being honest or charitable. If anyone cares about this they will refine themselves and how they participate in their relationships with others. Eric Fromm’s thesis is that both are important but the two ideas conflict. If a person spends too much time “doing” in order to “have” things then it will cost him some emphasis on “being.” On the other hand if a person gives all emphasis to “being,” then he or she may not be sufficiently productive and achievement oriented.

Rather than simply recognize the inherent conflict between two areas of focus, it might be useful for us to think about how we could connect them and be successful at both. This idea does not occur to some people I know. I have watched people drive themselves to do and to accomplish their work-related goals participating in their relationships only for the purpose of achieving these ends. One man committed himself to make a million dollars one year and lost his family. He achieved one goal. Being something, like having integrity, is often considered unimportant if the desired ends can be achieved. In many of these situations people might be successful at their work but their family relationships are a shambles. In some cases, because of the lack of fulfillment their work gives them, they show the ultimate disregard for their family relationships by having affairs with like minded people they meet at work.

I have also known people who make their relationships as significant as their accomplishments. They form friendships with people at work which exist and are valued by them independently of whether they lead to greater achievement. They create harmony with their family and friends and their work so that good effort is given to all. Further, the value they attach to “being” something such as being honest and dependable seems to always be important. So, I know for many it is possible to be successful at both being and doing.

How then shall we live and what do we teach our children? It starts, in my opinion, with the formation of three guiding principles. (1) Give a bit more priority to our relationships. Make the work we do the servant of the relationships we hope to achieve. Do things, go to work and be productive, as part of what we do to ensure relationships are successful, valued, and important. Many new marriages end because one or both parties do not care enough about that relationship to work and be productive. We can show love by working to provide for each other. (2) Teach every relationship skill we can think of to children at the same time we teach achievement and work related skills. In our world of emphasis on doing, we are failing to set examples and to teach our children all the relationships skills which are possible for them to know. They can learn compassion, for instance, while they are learning to organize to be productive. (3) Focus on the human qualities such as friendship, sincerity, kindness, respect, and graciousness in every setting. These enduring qualities make people successful in relationships and in their work. We can do all three and not limit ourselves or our children.