Can Your Marriage Cause Depression?

There is more than one type of depression but none of the diagnoses suggest that marriage may be a cause. I do not believe that all marriages create depression, but I believe one form of marital communication is closely connected to depression and may cause it. I will explain.

In the mid twentieth century Gregory Bateson pointed us to the idea that when human beings communicate both cannot do so at the same time. As a result they take turns. When people, especially married people, take turns they unwittingly create one of three types of interaction. To understand this it will be important for you to understand a different way of thinking about your marriage. Instead of viewing your marriage from the point of view of thinking about your spouses’ individual personality consider both together or what happens when both people each have a series of one turn to communicate. Instead of two individuals by themselves we are looking at what the husband says and does AND what the wife does and says in justaposition. When two people’s statements and actions are examined together we can see that an “exchange,” occurs and one of these is to exchange opposite behavior. For instance, one is loud, the other soft. One talks a lot, the other is more silent. One is clean, the other is more sloppy. One may be dominant and the other submissive, and so forth. We often say that opposites attract but this is something different. When a total relationship is filled with these “opposite exchanges,” each person is preoccupied by the other and highly reactive to what the other person does and says. Both feel like they are controlled by the other and both feel great rigidity in their lives and blame the other for it. One or both may turn their negative feelings toward themselves and engage in self pity, self criticism, and self condemnation. When depression occurs one or both people tend to blame themselves as much or more than the other.

These three conditions: (1) reacting to other people and feeling heavily influenced by them, (2) feeling controlled, and (3) self criticism are the most common causes of a reactive depression. Why is this useful to think about? As we know there are some types of depression that are based on inherited tendencies and chemical problems. Too often, however, we attribute depression to some mental condition or a personality problem when quite often it is related to the intense emotional interaction in a marriage relationship. When people exchange a lot of opposite behavior the person who is depressed may seek counseling and discover some relief but will not be able to resolve the problem permanently. This is because the growth they achieve in themselves is quite often contradicted by events in their marriages. Most mental health professionals and MD’s are learning to ask about the quality of people’s marriage whenever they see health issues whether physical or emotional.

There are several things couples can do to resolve this problem and improve the quality of their marriage. This will give both people a stronger sense of freedom and more positive feelings. If you want examples of how to do this go to “improve your marriage,” on this website and check out the two training programs for married couples. These include one focused on communicational intimacy which will change opposite interaction to mutuality. You can find worksheets which you can print out and use at home. Plus, there are some “skill building,” flash programs that will help you learn new skills.

Making our marriages healthy does more than make us happy. They in fact contribute to our sense of well being which has positive health benefits. Insurance actuaries inform us that troublesome marriages and divorce typically cost us seven years of life. Unless we wish to shorten our life span this should motivate us to make every effort to create very satisfying relationships with each other.