Getting Ourselves Together

The words “get yourself together” often are used when a person is frayed at the emotional edges and should calm down. They are also used to suggest someone needs a life plan and be less distracted or impulsive. But, I want to add the word “ourselves” and address the question of belonging, joining, or cohesion.

The idea of belonging is not new, of course, and this emotional condition is widely recognized as a basic human need. Most also understand that belonging and membership are considered a basic ingredient of emotional and psychological health. The evidence which supports this view is often found in the connection between isolation and several forms of emotional disorders.

Currently, however, social trends suggest that we give much greater attention to the idea of belonging. We are seeing many forms of separation caused by time spent with cell phones and computers, internet browsing, pornography addictions, extensive business travel, large numbers of people who have never married. This cluster of experiences suggests that more and more people feel and live isolated from others.

Where marriage is concerned it has never been easy for couples to get themselves together in a complete sense. They might have sex or have moments of intimacy, but many couples, perhaps a majority, feel unsatisfied about the degree to which they feel themselves fully connected emotionally mentally, and physically. Instead we have dominating spouses, dominated spouses, indifferent spouses, inattentive spouses, emotionally insensitive spouses, withdrawn spouses, busy spouses, and rejecting spouses. All these are forms of separation and isolation.

When couples get it right however they report that being together is one of the greatest rewards marriage has to offer. They appear to accomplish this by doing some of the following things.

1. They talk often and really listen.
2. They try to make most important decisions together.
3. They work more to understand each other than they argue over who is right or wrong.
4. They express a great deal of appreciation for each other’s efforts to spend time together.
5. They make sacrifices to create companionship time.
6. They limit criticism or eliminate it preferring instead to look forward to what each may want.
7. They talk about and create a shared vision of what each wants for the marriage.
8. They have identified things they have in common as well as things they do not.
9. They view their differences as opportunities to talk and discuss.
10. They resolve differences by thinking up solutions that give each partner as much as possible.

In light of the rewards which come in the form of fulfillment and peace, it seems to me we could all do better living in ways to get ourselves together with others and then teach these ideas to our children. Getting ourselves together in our marriages is often the beginning of getting ourselves together with our children.