Boys and Emotions II

I once played basketball with a group of friends early Saturday mornings. Because we were all younger then they were pretty competitive and spirited. After our children grew older we agreed some of our sons could come a play with us if they didn’t ruin our high quality of play. Looking back that was sort of a joke. But, on one occasion someone threw the ball down court and accidently hit one of the younger boys on the head. It was a fairly hard blow and the boy fell to the floor. Since I was nearby I stopped to help him. The boy was fighting back tears and the father sternly focused on that more than how the boy was weathering the problem. He didn’t ask if he was injured. He only told him not to cry and clearly communicated that he would be displeased if the boy did.

I have thought about that incident several times. It might be a good thing to teach boys to control their emotions. Or, it might be a good thing to provide an allowance for feelings by communicating there is nothing wrong with that. One is not weak or inferior if he or she shows emotions. As I thought about that I remember a man telling about his frustrations with a fairly mean and insensitive father. While he was telling about one particular incident where his father thought him to be too much of a pest and shoved him hard enough to knock him down. He made this observation. “At that moment I knew that whatever would be important to me would never be important to my dad.” As I listened I noticed that he was crying and smiling at the same time. Noticing the incongruence of these two displays I asked him if he was aware of what he was doing. “I don’t want people to know how I really feel” was his answer. He apparently learned that very well because his wife didn’t know nor did any of his children. His role in his family was very similar to that of his father. He was viewed as an angry person and was feared.

There are many emotional tools that make life easier for us. For one thing acceptance of our own feelings is very similar to the self acceptance that is part of positive self esteem. For another if we know, respect, and understand ourselves we typically are better at understanding others. This is because when we see someone and want to make inferences or appraisals of them we typically ask ourselves what we might think or feel in the same situation. One who does not know much about himself also often has difficulty understanding others.

Many of the best experiences in life involve emotions. Knowing love, knowing compassion, feeling tenderness, being excited, and having fun are just a few. Let’s open those doors for our sons by talking, sharing, and showing a deep understanding of them when they talk and when they join with us. They will be happier.