Boys and Emotions

Of all the misconceptions floating around there is one that I believe may cause the most harm. It is the idea that to rear a successful boy it is necessary to prevent him from being emotional so he is not afraid or effeminate. Some fathers I know take this idea to mean they should be aloof, somewhat formal or distant, and ignore emotional cues from their sons. Ignoring the fact that their wives often feel like they are in a barren wasteland when it comes to emotional companionship these men persist in the idea they are doing what is right for their sons.

This idea has a major sub category that is even more influential. This relates to the fact that in our American culture we assign boys the responsibility of performing and accomplishing and conclude that to do so they need the ability to ignore distracting emotions to be successful. Instead of appreciating that emotions may serve a motivational factor, or that the best achievers are also interpersonally successful, we often neglect to communicate that those who are really productive tend to also be emotionally healthy.

As a result of this flawed idea males have more suicides, more crime, more mental illness, and a host of other problems which could be eliminated if we had a better idea of boys and emotions. For instance, we could help boys understand their own emotions by recognizing them and appreciating that emotions are related to their actions in some way. We could ask our sons what they think and feel, and how their actions relate to or produce certain emotions. We could also teach them to recognize emotions in others and understand what to do in response to what other people display. We could have discussions with them about the important role emotions play in successful relationships. And, we could help them understand that the act of talking about feelings might lead to solutions to certain types of problems.

I recall talking with a man who in despair had attempted suicide. I asked if he had talked with anyone about what was going on in his life and whether he believe that talking could lead to a solution. His answer was no to both questions. I thought, “What a simple thing that might seem to some, but to others being able to talk about what is felt is a major task.” I concluded to do something about it.

I created a little game parents could play with their children that would lead to understanding emotions and the ability to talk about them. It is easy. Write the names of forty emotions, one each on a slip of paper. Give five to each family member and ask everyone to pantomime them in 30 seconds. Each person gets one point for each correctly guessed. When the first round is completed then reshuffle the papers and repeat. Afterward ask your family which emotions were the easiest to recognize and which were the most difficult. Then ask everyone to tell of an experience where they felt or experienced one of the feelings you selected. Lastly, ask family members to use the names of emotions and point them out when observed during the next week. It will be interesting.

We only need to make a few small adjustments to rear our sons with healthier emotional lives. The benefits include happier boys, better adjusted boys, and more successful boys. What is wrong with that?