Give Your Children The Real Freedom to Choose

I recently met with parents of a teen age boy who was not doing what they hoped he would do in school, with friends, and engaged in several experimental and high risk possibilities. They expressed concerned but said they felt powerless because they knew that at his age everything he was doing was “his choice.” I asked how they communicated their recognition of his freedom to choose and they indicated they often repeated that, “its your choice.” I also asked them how they felt about telling him what they wanted him to do and they indicated they did that only occasionally and when they did their son quickly reminded them that “his life was his choice.” I think the parents do not have a good concept of real freedom.

I believe this whole idea of children’s freedom to choose begins when children are young and parents attempt to discipline by identifying two alternatives and asking the child to choose. Plus, we live in a time when political correctness suggests that people should not impose their ideas on others. I also think these parents, and others like them, are afraid of the conflict they believe will happen if they are definite about their ideas, and that being definite will take away a child’s freedom to choose. All of these create tremendous risks for children and potential disasters for families. To avoid these it is useful to consider the real freedom to choose.

Why do many parents forget they are typically wiser and more experienced than their children? Why do they think it is improper to teach, inform, persuade, guide, and limit their children in order to encourage, motivate, inspire, and sometimes insist on one course of action over another? I think it is because of some inappropriate notion they have about their responsibilities and their sense of freedom. So, I would like to clearly communicate my position. Just because children have freedom to choose their parents are not free from responsibility for what their children do, how they act, and the choices they make. Sometimes we would like to be free but we are not either morally or legally free from duty.

It is helpful to remember that for children there are two types of freedom. When any child, especially teen agers say they want to be free they usually are talking about the idea of “freedom from,” some forms of external control. They want to move away having family rules or parental constraints. They want the form of freedom which allows them to do what they want without the idea of consequence. Many parents buy that form of false logic even though it is wholly irrational to think that any of us are totally free from some forms of control, responsibility, and accountability. When people act without law or constraint and harm others, we impose law and restraint because they cannot or will not.

There is a second form of freedom which parents should consider. It is the “freedom to,” do things which is a psychological freedom made up of feelings, dreams, hopes, and positive experiences. This form of freedom exists when children are law abiding and obedient. It exists when children decide positive things for themselves and display the self discipline to achieve what they decide. This freedom is felt when children organize themselves to avoid harming people and instead do constructive, useful things. When parents are clear about what they want for and from their children, they may be imposing a bit of restraint on their children, but this does not rob the children of freedom “to” choose unless parents impose such restrictive restrains that children cannot say their opinions or act on their volition. When parents engage in effective forms of communication to persuade, motivate, and teach this does not rob their children of freedom to choose if they are communicating positive desires for their children and hoping children will choose a course of action that will result in their happiness and well being.

A high school student who disciplines herself to get good grades at the end of school has more freedom “to,” choose because more options exist. Children who organize themselves and manage their chores typically have more free time to play without guilt or parental constraints. Children who form positive relationships of trust with parents typically feel more free to act and select alternatives for themselves because they are confident their choices will be in the “range of tolerance,” provided by their parents.

I advised these parents to make a few changes in their approach to their son. To begin with it would help if they took the time to decide what they truly wanted for their son in terms of their values, social behavior, academic work, friendships, and etc. Then they needed to ensure they agreed with each other. Following this I proposed they start calmly telling him what they wanted for him and give him reasons why their ideas could and should be accepted. Their response was, “what if he isn’t willing to talk?” I proposed that he would talk and listen in return for the use of the car or money he wanted from them. They agreed and since then I have met with their son who is more positive about his life, and more willing to hear what his parents want for him.