Teach Your Children the Traditional Forms of Respect

I like the idea of change as long as it results in progress. I like a lot of the new things I see going on around me and there are some I do not like very much. I am watching young people’s dating practices and there are changes now which are fun and positive and some that are not. I wished that boys still called girls or talked to them face to face when asking for a date. I wished when boys asked girls to dance at a school dance they took them back to their seats and thanked them instead of leaving them standing in the middle of the dance floor. I have watched how children and parents treat each other and small evolutions in parental practices. I am dismayed by some of the things I hear parents and children say to each other. I have observed how men and women treat each other now days, our ideas about how to treat each other, and how to form lasting relationships. Some of these seem to be positive but there are a lot of things I do not like. I have never once heard someone say, “I am getting a divorce, because we showed too much respect for each other.”

I am not a very negative person and I don’t think I am grumbling about how much better the past was than the present. I think the best of times is right now. Having written that, however, I am making a plea for us all to do something better and reach into the past and take a lesson from those years. As a boy growing up my parents taught several displays or methods of showing respect. In my parents’ teachings I learned to stand when a woman entered the room, open doors for a woman, defend a women who might be disadvantaged by some unfair treatment, stand until a woman is seated at dinner, use respectful voice tones and language around women, be circumspect in public, to see each person as unique and avoid categorizing one woman into a group of all women. I had it clearly emphasized how to communicate with someone in authority, be considerate, and etc. I am not claiming I always do those things or have always done them well but from what I am watching now, I believe we ought to give greater emphasis to teaching these social skills. I believe there are good reasons why we should.

One reason why many males are passive in relation to females, in social situations, is that boys have no agreed upon forms of behavior to display. The forms of social behavior are highly situational and all will benefit if we know in advance that in certain situations there are certain types of positive behavior. Once learned they let men do something active and feel confident about how to treat a woman. Some girls might appreciate these forms of respect and some may not. To some girls standing or waiting while boys open doors appears to them as weak and helpless rather than seeing this gesture as an agreed upon social ritual that lets one gender show respect for the other. Most women would appreciate male assertiveness, not dominance, as a form of confidence. I believe the feminine movement in the United States might have had positive objectives but their methods of attacking males as a means of trying to achieve equality was misguided and destructive.

I also believe that our girls could stand a good dose of emphasis about showing respect for fathers and males. We can teach girls to express opinions, voice assertive ideas, and exert control over themselves without at the same time belittling, and condemning. When girls participate in the rituals of respect they have one additional way of interacting with men other than using their bodies as the sole enticement. Both men and women are ennobled when men and women show respect in many different appropriate ways.

As the incidents of verbal and physical abuse and other forms of mistreatment increase in our society it seems like we would recognize the truth of the idea that the antidote to that is rigorous training in the art of respect. After having my experience as a child I am dumbfounded that any man would mistreat his wife whom he wants to love and care for him or that any father would allow a son or daughter to hurt their mother. Likewise I can’t imagine why a woman would belittle her husband when talking with her friends. We don’t have to allow this to happen in our families.

When we go to some social setting we can teach our children what to do and practice that before the event itself. At meal times, for instance, we can teach our children about etiquette and manners. In addition we can single out many different versions of respect and describe them and their effects on people. Instead of sitting down when someone approaches to show we have greater status, unless we are infirm or a woman, why don’t all of us men stand all of the time to show regard. We can give a woman our seat on a bus when there are none available. We can help a mother with young children. We can practice many forms of respect in our families. Then, when we go out together for a sit down dinner, we can practice as well until our children learn how to act. We can point out positive and negative examples of respect and discuss the positive and negative consequences. There are, of course, many other methods.

On one occasion when I was leaving to go on a date, my mother asked if I had a clean handkerchief. I thought, what is going on here? She had me get of the car, return to the house, and get a new clean one. I finally asked her. She told me this most interesting truth. “You will be surprised,” she said, “what impresses a girl. Girls pay attention to things boys don’t.” That experience has led me to check and inspect my handkerchiefs regularly. I am impressed with the power of my mother’s teachings. We can and ought to as powerful and we should do it with regard to respect and honor for each other.