Make Your Family Leadership About Space, Time, and Relationships

Several years ago I read Steven Hawkings book titled “A brief history of time.” He was a renowned physicist, as most know, and the book was about science and how it relates to our understanding of time. I found the whole idea interesting because I could see some connections between what he was saying about science and about relationships. There are many different ways to think about space and time and relationships. Here is an example. All our relationships of strangers, friends, and family members are organized mentally in terms of how close or distant and how much time or the lack of it is spent with the other people. Marriage, for instance, is usually thought of as closer than an uncle or nephew relationship. And, spending time is often thought of as a measure of interest, commitment, and desire. The point is we use both space and time to evaluate
our relationships.

Until lately I have not thought that our ideas of space and time where matter where relationships are concerned. I have come to believe they are crucial and are so embedded in our lives they are often linked to a cognitive map we develop as we grow. In a family where much time is spent with each other family members often have a different mental map than someone whose childhood was in a family where members spent little time with each other. Families who live in the same place, for instance, appear to influence their children to stay close by. Families who move a lot tend to have children that move away from their home residence. When parents and children spend a lot of time together while children are young, the children often tend to spend more time with each other even after marrying themselves.

Further, our ideas about space seem to be learned in much the same way. The idea of “needing space,” which means being left alone, is another example of how people develop personal maps that include space and time. Some people need a lot of space away from others and some require less. Our ideas about when we need space and when we can be involved with others also can be part of this map. For instance, some individuals can stand little stress and want to be away to have their own space a lot more often than someone else.

As it turns out the ideas of personal space and the organization of time are two of the fundamentals which make or break relationships. A clingy person is desired only by someone who likes to be clung to. A clingy person who seeks closeness is often less attractive to someone who is highly independent and values his or her space. A punctual, on time person, values his or her time in this way and measures friendship or concern by whether the other person places similar value on time. Conflict in either of these areas suggests the possibility of other relationship problems. There are numerous other examples.

What does this mean? Probably a lot more than I am going to right about but at least a few of the following things. When selecting a potential marriage partner it would be well to get a good idea about how well you are matched on space and time. Learn how your friends think about those two things and examine if you can adjust to any differences between the two of you. It may save your friendship. Examine your own mental map and see what you believe about space and time. What you believe may influence where you want to live, how many people you want to live around, and how far you want to travel.

When do you want and need space from others and what kind of space do you wish for? What forms of time are important to you (just watch when you are on time and when you are not) and see if you are losing friends because you don’t pay attention to their ideas about space and time.

Some of us would do well to think a little more about space and time and if you don’t you probably will think about them when you have problems. It is easier to be proactive. The success of our friendships, marriages, and families may depend on it.