When There is a Death In The Family

There are few family events more sobering that someone passing away. Even when the possibility is known in advance someone dying causes us to reflect and remind ourselves about things very important to us. I am old enough to have had both parents die, my in laws, a brother, and other family relatives as well. Professionally I have had the privilege of helping people who are terminally ill and their family members. I regard these experiences as a privilege because even though the emotions are solemn and sad, being with people during these times reveals much about them one ordinarily does not see.

Most of us are familiar with the grief cycle of denial, anger, resolution, acceptance, and eventually peace of mind. I have watched people go through those steps and even tried to help people move from stage to stage. In the process I have learned something else I would like to point out. It is about the role of death in families and how it is interpreted by them.

When I was in high school a student acquaintance was killed in a car accident. Because I knew her and traveled on the bus to school with her I was asked by her parents to be a pall bearer. I accepted without knowing much about that. As I watched her family deal with their loss I was able to begin my understanding of what death means to family.

I went to the cemetery and waited while the ceremonies were completed and was leaving when something very dramatic took place. In those days the officials didn’t wait until everyone was gone before they lowered the casket and as we were moving away from the grave they started the process. Hearing the associated sounds this girls mother broke from her husband’s comforting arm and started walking back toward the grave. Tears streaming down her cheeks she walked close by me saying, “don’t take my baby away.” She stumbled and fell to her knees, right in front of me, allowing her husband to catch her. He took her in his arms and restrained her while comforting her in the process. This whole scene shook me up a bit and has stayed in my memory. It made death and the process of adjusting to it very real.

From this family and many others I have learned that we can face death in different ways. Some of these are better for us and for members of the family. For instance, I have seen young couples give up on their marriages after a child dies. For some reason their love for each other dies too because they cannot get over the sense of guilt and blame they each feel for themselves and for the other. I have watched as parents children in accidents and felt their sorrow related to the missed opportunities which results. I have seen older people face death with grace and dignity. In all of it I have seen people face death with great courage and some with anger and resentment.

On one occasion a terminally ill man was so resentful of it he became grumpy, demanding, and very irritable. He made life miserable for the other members of his family. I had read an account where a therapist had helped someone face death by reminding him of a tomato plant and how it continues to ripen its fruit even after it is pulled from the ground. I tried that on him and it worked. He went home from my office sorry he was causing so much difficulty, gathered all his immediate family around him and apologized. He used his remaining time more positively.

I conclude from these and many other experiences that death gives us an opportunity to learn. Most importantly I have learned that the process of death and dying is subject to our own interpretation and most of want it to be full of meaning and importance. How we interpret death may be connected to religious beliefs or the absence of them but the awareness that we can choose how we interpret death gives us a sense of power that is very useful. Where families are concerned we can teach each other how to interpret it. We can use this tool as a way of comforting children, as a way of responding to our own loss, and as a way of facing it ourselves. For instance, we can understand that where there is great loss there was also great love. Where there is great sadness there was once great joy. Where there is great loneliness there was great belonging. Then, if we choose, we can think of the departed in those terms and remind ourselves of the many wonderful things they meant and will continue to mean to us. Having the choice to interpret death in a way that matters to us is indeed a wonderful thing.