Little Mistakes Convey Big Marriage Messages

When words are repeated they often catch our attention and when they are repeated in similar situations they seem more significant and may create more than casual interest.
For me, this is the case when married people talk about mistakes they have made and wish to excuse the mistake by describing it as small or little. One might say after making the mistake, “it is just a little thing.” The idea, I suppose, is that small mistakes should be more easily over looked and if one doesn’t do that then the inference is that the offended party is somehow unreasonable or unforgiving. While the motive for this whole business might be to limit embarrassment or shame, some small mistakes communicate something very big. I will give some examples.

A man saved for and purchased an expensive European car. He was very proud of it and loved to drive it and receive the admiring glances of other people. On one occasion, while he was at work, his wife took the car and while driving it, what hit by another driver denting the left front fender. When she told him about the accident, to her surprise he became angry at her and called her a familiar but hurtful name. When she recoiled he quickly realized his mistake and told her he was sorry and that he had just, “lost it” and she should not make too much out of it. But, she did.

On another occasion a husband and wife agreed on a business deal. When the husband was in a negotiation, he violated his deal with his wife and gave the other men more than what he and she had agreed. When he told her of what he had done, she was hurt and reminded him of their original agreement. He reacted defensively and blamed her for her lack of confidence in him, but then later he apologized. She found it difficult to accept what he had done. Was this a small thing?

On another occasion, a woman promised her husband she would meet him and their friends for dinner at a certain time. On the appointed evening she was forty five minutes late. She had been talking with one of her close friends and had failed to look at the time. This had happened more than once. When reminded about this she casually tried to make it look like the whole thing was overblown and unimportant. Was this a small thing?

By now you might be thinking that no one is perfect and I should just face that fact. Married people have to accept these sorts of things as part of being married. While many people are faced with some “small” mistakes and do not stay angry about them, other types of mistakes are seldom forgotten and quite frequently they are brought up again and again in subsequent arguments or discussions. They seem to have a life of their own and the memory of hurt lingers. On these occasions one spouse will blame the other for having too good a memory and failing to forgive.

In many marriages memories of these mistakes begin to characterize the relationship and both have their library of hurtful memories which are mingled in their thoughts about their relationship. Why are these little mistakes so hurtful and why are they remembered?

It is because these mistakes are not little they are serious because they are considered symbols of how committed, attentive, loyal, and loving one person may not be. When reasons for divorce are identified a researcher or writer might say it is because of disagreements about sex, money, or something else. But, even if a couple argues about sex or money inside those arguments is a growing belief that one or both do not demonstrate the priority that loving and being committed is of great value. In one case the man whose wife had a car accident could have asked if she was alright and since the damage had been done he could have controlled his tongue and avoided communicating to his wife that she was less important to him than the left front fender of his car. The businessman could have excused himself from his business negotiations and talked with his most important partner. All the people in the business negotiation would have understood. The woman who was often late could learn to value her word and her husband’s time. These are small things to symbolize commitment.

When it comes to the symbols of our priority in life, it is useful to remind ourselves that we want our marriage partner to love and care for us. We want our partner to be giving, loyal, and comforting. It is not a small thing if we want, even apply pressure, and then treat that person as if he or she is less important to us than something or someone else. This is true even if we have our own emotional reasons for the mistake. If we want commitment from the other person we need to show that same priority. It will ennoble us and reaffirm that we are “in to the other person” and know how to truly show the degree of our love.