How To Make Certain Your Marriage Succeeds

It has been a privilege for me to know many people who have worked very hard to make their marriages successful. I have watched them tackle problems ranging from a small communicational difference to betrayal and years of conflict and indifference. As a group, and in most cases, they have cared about themselves, their relationship, their children, and the preservation of their families. To them I owe a great debt because they have demonstrated amazing commitment.

From them I have learned much and I believe I have some responsibility to share what I have learned with others. I am trying to do that in this installment. After working with many people I have been able to observe there are some qualities or characteristics that make it more likely a marriage will be rewarding and will last. I will describe four.

First is the willingness to control or regulate ourselves in behalf of the marriage. An example includes controlling our language so we don’t criticize or condemn our partners.
Another might be to control anger. The actual form of self control may vary from couple to couple and may also include regularly performing valued tasks such as regular meals, going on dates, communication, and etc. All these require that each person exercise enough self control to do things which promote the marriage and not do things which harm it. The absence of this type of self control is, in my experience, almost always associated with conflict and unhappiness.

The second idea is that of freedom. Marriages are more likely to last and be happy when each person has a sense of freedom of choice and ensures that the other person feels this same feeling. Controlling another person, indifference to the other person, demanding and complaining all rob people of their feelings of freedom and without freedom the sensation of love diminishes. A person’s need for freedom is unique in many ways and has to be addressed in a way unique to the couple, but its absence is a factor in every unhappy relationship and its presence is involved in every happy relationship I have known about.

Third, successful couples learn how to communicate to each other that their concern for each other is greater than the issues they are discussing. For instance, while making plans or making a decision one turns to the other and asks, “what do you want or, is this alright with you?” he or she is sending the message that personal desires are important in every decision. Happy couples seldom go past the point of making or carrying out a decision unless they know both are on board. Sometimes one may not get what he or she wants because both cannot get their way at the same time. But, over time, concern must be shown for the desires of each person or there will be trouble.

Fourth, each person understands how to make emotional sacrifices and will do so in many situations. The intimacy of a marriage has many forms and qualities. It is more varied and exciting when it is not restricted by the emotional limitations presented by one or both. For instance, when one cannot communicate about his or her feelings, the sense of intimacy may be restricted. So, to promote and preserve their union one or both must sacrifice a natural tendency (in this case it would be to be silent) in order to give the other something wanted and needed. When successful this form of sacrifice brings with it the most tender form of love because this form of love includes awareness of and gratitude for the sacrifice.

Personal stability, or self control, freedom, showing priority and concern for the other, and sacrifice are those qualities which people who are unhappy learn in order to make themselves happy and fulfilled. Those couples who do these things, in the first place, may have challenges in their lives, but they bring their marriages to a place of high fulfillment and live long lives of happiness together.