Teach About It and Hold Children Accountable

Family life is often so hectic and busy that after all the meals, chores, traveling, conversations, and everything else, we feel lucky if we survive the day. Hopefully some of those times are fun and enjoyable laced with teaching moments that make us, as parents, feel like we are doing something useful. But, in the middle of this part of our lives there are things we should make certain we pay attention to. One of these is holding children accountable for what they agree to do and are responsible for doing.

On one occasion one of my children wanted to go out and play. I asked this boy, who was eight or nine years of age, to come home for dinner at a definite time in the evening. He agreed. He was playing in the neighborhood with friends and he could easily hear when I reminded him of the time. So, at the appointed hour and dinner was ready I let him know it was time for him to come in. Instead he and his friends went somewhere else and he didn’t come in for thirty minutes or so. Eventually he came traipsing in. When he arrived we had finished eating and I could have provided the consequence that he could not eat that evening. Some child discipline books suggest that course of action. But, I wanted to hold him accountable and so asked him if he would go out and ask his friends to come in to meet me. “Why?” he asked. I said, “I want to meet the people who are more important to you than I am!” A rush of feeling came to his face as he considered that awful possibility and he immediately wanted to make amends. We worked it out.

In the course of our relationships with our children there are times when we instruct, ask for, make demands about, and teach. In each of these times there is either an implied or very explicit message that our children are to respond to what we ask of them. Sometimes we ask them if they will agree to our requests and at other times we simply inform them of what we want and require them to carry it out. In every case there is a relational message from us to them or a promise from them back to us. It is a message of the importance we and they attach to the parent-child relationship. Most of the time children do not understand how important this is and need to be taught.

Accountability is about that relational message. What happens, if in the context of a relationship, someone makes a promise they do not keep? The possibilities include finding an excuse, telling how they forgot, lying, and ignoring the whole issue. In any of these cases one powerful, unspoken message is sent. It is about each person’s commitment, or lack of it, to their relationship. If a child makes a promise to a parent and does not keep it there is more going on than the promise itself. The child’s behavior is communicating something about himself and the value he or she places on his or her relationship with parents. Placing value or being indifferent to relationships is learned while growing up and often extends well into many other relationships. Success in relationships such as friendships, at work, in marriage, and later in parenthood depend on accountability. There appear to be large numbers of people who do not understand this.

So, when rearing children make certain you keep the promises you make to them. I saw a documentary about the life of a famous coach. His son described how, when his father was hired for the job he wanted, the first thing he did was to go to his son’s elementary school and tell him. He had promised to do so. When a child agrees to something, or understands he has been asked to do something by you, it is important to teach accountability. Accountability is about time and it is about communicating. When someone is accountable he or she will accept assignments, fulfill them, and then report how well they were completed in a timely manner. It is not just, “Make your bed.” It is, “Make your bed and come and tell me when you have completed it.”

Suppose you want to create a family rule. You could just impose it or you could discuss with children (if they are old enough) so they have a say in creating the rule at the beginning. When children know about a family rule and fail to honor it, do something more than impose a consequence for failure. His knowledge of the rule and his failure to keep it should be discussed in reference to his relationship with you. Ask, “What does this mean about your feelings for your father and me?” “Do you want to be a person who makes promises and then fails to keep them?”

Teach about accountability and help children understand it. Use examples and tell stories of people who are accountable. Then use the term when dealing with your children. Referencing your relationship and the way children can show respect for these relationships promotes accountability. When your children understand this important quality it makes it possible for them to be more successful in the future when it comes to making, keeping, and talking about other promises. Think about the many possibilities.