What Pornography Does to Marriages and Families

For the last few years more and more people have voiced concern about the impact of pornography and its addictive power. We have been told to make certain computers are in public areas and to put filters on every computer children use. We have also been plagued with pornography as it impacts marriages and it has cost many people what would otherwise be a happy marriage.

Many years ago, when marijuana first became available there was a controversy about whether it was actually harmful and at first there was not much evidence showing how harmful it was. Wise people still recommended that it be avoided and those who were wise avoided it. Eventually evidence appeared showing that it was actually worse than first imagined and had more lasting negative consequences for users than it was originally thought. The same thing is true about pornography.

Twenty-five years or so ago I represented my home state and testified at a series of legal hearings concerning potential harmful effects of certain types of television. At that hearing there were legal representatives from the major networks who asked for evidence that violence, sex, and other similar types of content was harmful in any way. At the time there was some fairly good scientific evidence about its potential for harm but it was not sufficient to conclusively prove that viewing violent and sexual content led to harmful behavior. Just because there was not conclusive proof did not mean that watching certain types of TV harmed people. But evidence has been found. The same is true of pornography.

The impact of pornography is different for different people, but the impact is substantial and very subtle. Quite often users think that if they quit any negative consequence for them has gone away. Not true. Here are some facts supported by good evidence. One exposure can be enough to addict some individuals. These addictions can last a long time and the motivation to be in contact with pornography gets associated with a variety of moods. Even when a person is not actively looking or being involved with it, the motivation to be involved may reappear over and over again throughout life. Addictions are accompanied by self-hatred, loss of esteem and self-control. For younger men and women addictions to pornography often result in a loss of productivity or the ability to accomplish work. In some cases pornography is a precursor to more harmful and violent sexual crimes including child molestation and abuse, rape, and assaults. One addiction, such as pornography, may lead to others such as prescription medication and other harmful chemicals.

Addiction is displayed in many forms of behavior and is therefore the most obvious result. There are other consequences which are much more difficult to detect but which have very harmful potential. Pornography not only communicates disloyalty to a spouse but it takes this disloyalty to a new and hurtful level. There are several possibilities and I will describe only one here. The person exposed to pornography begins to objectify his or her sexual partner and rather than using sex to achieve an emotional intimacy filled with tenderness and bonding, sex becomes an activity to gratify and because of that the sexual relationship begins to focus exclusively on one or more erotic outcomes. The emphasis on this outcome may be so focused that one person will push the partner past where he or she wishes to go. Even though one person makes it clear that something is not liked or preferred, the other insists and makes controlling demands suggesting that it is his or her right to this experience. Both lose self-respect and the one who is intruded upon feels unimportant and used. This disruption can last a long time and requires great effort to repair.

When children are impacted by pornography they often become seclusive and if not that, they attempt to hide what they are doing from their parents. Instead of a transparent parent-child relationship, the child begins to deceive. The duplicity in the child’s life not only takes the child away from parental support but it also creates significant amounts of distrust. Often the child’s feelings may range from withdrawn, depressive behavior to anger and resentment. When adolescents are involved the lying which often emerges may center on several forms of misbehavior, including inadequate school work, unwillingness to follow parental guidelines, and social-sexual behavior. This can have, as most know, significant and lasting consequences.

What should we do? Pornography is now so available and is used by so many it should be one of the first questions a spouse or parent asks when inquiring to see what might be at the root of some problem or some change in emotions. Such emotional changes might be due to drug use and so parents should also suspect that. Denying any involvement is the first line of self-protection but if one persists many children and spouses will confess, especially if they are tired of their own self-misery. Help can be obtained and hopefully relationships and individuals can be healed.