Why Teenagers Are Angry and What to Do

Not all teenagers are angry of course but if your child is, you will wonder if he/she is the only one. For many parents angry teenagers are hard to understand and even harder to help. Let’s examine some of the reasons why teens get angry and then review one or two methods of helping them resolve it.

Keep in mind that anger is often the brain’s signal that something in the environment is felt as oppressive and anger is used to get someone or something to “back off.” Further, anger is often connected to the motive of self-destructiveness and one should be alert to that possibility. The most common reasons teenagers get angry are listed below along with a way of identifying the type of anger. These are not listed in any particular order of importance or frequency.

1. Anger is a reaction to imagined or real pressure (stress) coming from the demands of many people including friends, family, school teachers, and employers. This anger often includes the element of pressure and conflict plus descriptions of people who are believed to be too demanding.

2. Anger may be felt and expressed when a teenager has made a mistake, is embarrassed or ashamed, and is not willing to face responsibility for it. Usually the anger is only about one thing or situation and is often accompanied by an excuse. Anger is an attempt to hide the error.

3. Anger is associated with a reactive depression and shows up as blaming others, isolating oneself from others, reduced performance at school and elsewhere, and sadness. This anger shows up in many situations.

4. Anger is a response to perceived unfairness. This may be perceived or actual unfairness of parents, friends, or employers. It may be associated with the loss of someone or something loved. The loss of a friendship or relationship is often accompanied by anger. Anger will include defensiveness and will usually be directed at someone.

5. Anger is a reaction to failure and the possibility that a dream cannot be realized. Anger is associated with low self-esteem and pessimism.

6. Anger can be a response to mistreatment by peers such as being excluded or bullied. Anger is often associated with revenge.

7. Anger for some individuals is more likely during periods of rapid growth where the brain becomes much more reactive to stimulus conditions in the environment. This anger has no pattern but shows up with extra concern for looks and other image issues.

8. Anger is manipulative where an angry teen directs the anger at parents who won’t give him or her what is wanted. Anger is focused on getting something and is temporarily solved when the teenager gets what he wants.

9. Anger can be an emotional expression of a gang or peer group whose members are also angry. Anger will be directed toward some group of people like the police or other other gangs or some ethnic group.

10. Anger can be the result of feeling entitled to something after having been too indulged and without having to work or be responsible for achieving. This anger is connected to accusations of adults who are described as failing to perform as the teenager desires.

If you are faced with an angry child you might do the following. Keep a record of when your child is most likely to express anger and then identify what type of anger is involved. Instead of being afraid of the anger keep yourself (e.g. your voice) as calm as possible, indicate you are interested in understanding what is going on, and attempt to learn about it by asking questions about it. In some cases it is a good thing to draw the child’s attention to the fact that you are affected by the anger and need to know what it is about. Show your hands shaking or the flush of your face or the concerned look you feel.

Usually an angry teenager has many reasons for the feelings. When the child, usually a boy, cannot or will not talk about the anger you can encourage talking by indicating that you will give what the child wants, such as money or a privilege, in return for a conversation. The conversation needn’t be complete; just beginning the asking and listening process will help out. If the teen still will not talk then you talk about your love for him/her, your concern, and your willingness to help. Keep talking and tell stories and other things to maintain the conversation and diminish the angry feelings.

I believe we are seeing more anger expressed in a variety of forms. Suicide is still one of the top two or three causes of adolescent death. We are seeing more violent crime that stems from the anger youth feel. Anger and stress show up in self-mutilation. We seem to have more anger in our families than I can remember. I am worried about it.