How to Make Certain Children Know They Are Loved

We have settled an old debate about children. Because we didn’t know any better many thought children were like blank slates filled with possibilities but with very few mental or emotional abilities of their own. We now have learned that at birth they are highly developed and bring with them several inherited abilities. Children bring with them more than one type of intelligence including numbers, emotions, language, space, and time. They are born prepared to communicate with people and survive in a world where these abilities are required. We literally ought to be reading to our babies on the way home from the hospital.

Because of these amazing abilities children and adults are able to benefit from one of the most valuable and influential experiences available to human beings. It is called the validation experience. It takes place because humans have strong emotions which are linked or tied to the situation they are in and one person can understand another and then validate what he or she sees and feels. And because this exists for all humans it is possible for one person to understand and validate something about the other.

A woman I know told of how she discovered how much her father loved her. The story goes as follows. When she was thirteen she was sewing at her mother’s old Singer sewing machine and ran a needle through her finger. When her father came to help he stood behind her, grabbed her left hand in his to steady it, and prepared to pull out the needle. When he crouched over her she felt something wet on her cheek and looked up to see tears cascading down his cheeks because of her pain. This validation experience stayed in her memories for her whole lifetime.

There are many ways the validation experience communicates a powerful and lasting emotional message. Being told we are loved by someone important to us when we wonder how anyone could love us is one example. Another is when a parent attends an event important to the child and their eyes find each other in the middle of the play or game and for a moment that communication is much more important for them than what is going on around them. The validation experience takes place when a husband learns something important about his wife and then uses it to love her. He may know her favorite color and bring flowers of that color. The flowers are important as an indication of his remembering an important event but the message that he knows her intimately is more important. She will feel that he “knows” her.

The reasons the validation experience is important for children are that it confirms their existence and their importance. When children believe they are important and valued they tend to behave better and are more compliant to parental influence. It is wise, therefore, for parents to be very good at validating their children. Here are some things you can do.

Put a child’s school papers in a place where you can easily see them, such as the breakfast table, and ask your children to tell you about their successes at school. Just the fact that you are noticing them and their performance will be important. Pick out positive traits that cannot easily be observed, such as “intelligent,” “friendly,” “hard working,” “honest,” and “loyal.” Label your child with these positive traits when you see them acted out and then use them on more than one occasion. You will able to watch the child work hard to display them again and again so you will notice.

One of the most powerful validating experiences is to comfort a child who is sad, afraid, or disappointed. Another is to recognize a nonverbal act and understand the emotions behind it and ask the child if he is “excited,” “happy,” and etc. When you can say what a child is feeling, the child begins to feel significant.

These experiences make parents highly influential. They motivate children to listen and to trust. More importantly, perhaps, they confirm to a child that he or she has great worth and importance. This has life-long meaning and significance.