Stress Management Your Way

There has been much written and said about stress, or more accurately duress. From many writers we have learned about causes and cures and many will work well, at least temporarily. From this body of literature we have also learned that people inherit a level of brain reactivity. Some of us are much more reactive to pressure than others. Those who are highly reactive are more likely to have allergies, miss school due to sickness, feel less than fully healthy, and will have emotional ups and downs. Some of the ups will be pleasant and rewarding. The downs will include intense anxiety, depression, melancholy, anger, and some forms of sadness-despair. Those who are less reactive seem to have the better of it because they appear to have more pleasant feelings and are less likely to experience roller coaster emotions.

What this means is that anyone wishing to understand the effects of pressure or duress should also understand the effects of pressure on themselves. Here is why. Many think the cure for stress is to get themselves out of a stressful environment such as working less, getting rid of guilt for mistakes, stopping stress producing habits, getting away from toxic people, and etc. Any of these may help. But, what if a person takes his vulnerability to pressure wherever he goes? For many it will only be a matter of time until things add up and he is in a similar situation wondering why he keeps having these problems. Surprisingly, in my experience, it often does not occur to such people that they and their own mental characteristics may have anything to do with their problems. After all, it appears to them that other things, people, and events cause their distress.

Now let’s consider something else. Events such as loss of a loved one or loss of a job, or a calamity does in fact create distress. So, now in addition to the person and the pressures one feels, we have the possibility of having to deal with life events which are often the source of great distress.

Let’s apply all this to the role mothers and fathers have with their children. As individuals they might be highly reactive or low reactive. They live in an environment and participate in work, home, play, school, hobbies, and etc. Further, they might suffer a child’s illness, disability, failure in school, or death. Even if they are low reactive people parents are in a “perfect storm,” where stress is concerned. What are the best things for you to do and is there anything that will provide a permanent solution?

For most of us there will probably be some type of pressures of one kind or another so it does not seem realistic to assume that you can always create a wholly peaceful life. Although some people seem to do this. For those who cannot, the key is to create a stress management problem that they create themselves, for themselves, and maintain by themselves. Consider the following and choose what you think will work for you and then try out your strategy.

Do not separate from those people, events, or activities which build and add emotional or spiritual uplift. Spend some time regularly participating in friendships and etc. that build. Do organize some portions of the day to give yourself a sense of control. You don’t have to be extremely organized but some form of it appears to be necessary. Create a positive form of parenting so you are teaching more than you are punishing or arguing. Create a family environment where you actively teach children positive forms of communication, love, affection, and etc. Give yourself decision rules so you can say “no,” to some requests made of you (e.g. I will say one “no,” for every “yes,” I say). Dispute pessimism so you don’t let yourself think negative thoughts without replacing them with something positive. Push aside some of your duties occasionally to do something pleasurable for yourself such as taking a hot bath in the middle of the day or stopping house cleaning to read a good book for a half hour. Identify the situations you participate in regularly and identify what you want from each one and describe to yourself how you want to participate in them. This will help you be less controlled by the situations you are in. Moderate your level of reactivity by learning to control fear or anxiety thoughts by focusing instead on what you want and hope for. Train yourself at the end of every day think about what you have accomplished or have done instead of thinking more about what you have not completed.

Lastly, change your level of reactivity. If you have suffered a loss of some kind you must change your feelings by thoughts and by learning to focus on something more positive. Forgiveness is a good thing, expressing gratitude more often, serving others helps, and finding out what you can learn from your experience. Memorize good poems, listen to good music, focus on what you can do more than what you cannot. Learn to assert your opinion more often. Practice adapting to new situations, such as meeting a new person or going into a new place, by developing a strategy you can use effectively. Examples include gathering information about the people and the place which is/are new. Then, learning to think about a strategy that will help you succeed in that situation. Systematically avoiding every new thing will make you more distressed, not less.

Once you apply the methods you have selected you will have a more permanent solution to stress that will work for you. It will be your method, one you have tried and tested, and this is what makes it work. You will be doing something you have chosen. It will be proactive and reduce your level of reactivity. It is better than anxiety related stress or stress induced depression.