End Children’s Arguing

I was listening to a couple of parents tell how they motivated their children to perform their chores. They asked their children to compete to see who could finish first. They had found out that if they said, “let’s see who gets his/her work done first,” their children would run to get things done. On the surface it seemed like a great motivation. Then as they continued their conversation they told how they worked hard to treat their children equally even going so far as making certain that all got a shirt when one received a shirt or article of clothing or the girls all got dolls when one received it. As I listened to them I was reminded why they were visiting with me. Their children quarreled often and the older ones had had several intense arguments.

There are probably many causes and situations for sibling rivalry and arguing including a lack of emotional maturity, annoying one another, crowded conditions, and a perception of unfairness. Conflict is greater when parental stress and intensity are greater, when parents are less engaged with their children, and when emotional and financial resources are limited. But, if two parents intended to increase arguments and children’s rivalry they could have not done more than what these parents were doing. The roots of many arguments are competitiveness and perceived similarity. These two conditions do not permit children to “differentiate” or see and appreciate the differences between them. Nor do they allow children to learn how to respect themselves and be confident in themselves more than they worry about what someone else might do.

So, what is the solution? Stop asking children to compete with each other in the performance of family tasks in order to get parental approval. They might compete in sports or some other setting but not to get attention and affection. Secondly, make certain that children are, in some instances, asked to learn how they are physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially different (but not better than or worse than). Help them understand that each child is unique and so is everyone else and they need to learn to appreciate the difference and unique qualities of people and not dislike those who are different than they are.

When the parents asked how to do this I proposed the following. They could spend time actually talking about the qualities and characteristics of each child in turn. They could do this at meal times and even set up special evenings to recognize each child’s achievements and personal qualities. They could stagger bed times so some went to bed earlier than others. Further, they could select as many groups of chores as they have children and, other than personal work such as making beds and etc.) they rotate the children through these chores so that each child performed each group of chores one week at a time. (This may not be possible for families where children are too young but parents can help those children). Having learned for myself, I suggested to the parents that they reduce the amount of TV watching time and increase family conversations and game playing among the children. Lastly, I proposed they teach cooperation, empathy, and service to their family members. They could find and create little lessons and small activities which emphasize the importance of these crucial social skills.

In very short order the number of arguments, as measured by the parents, diminished. Children were doing better at their chores and the emotional climate of the family was more stable and peaceful. At least in this case, the suggestions seemed to work well and I believe can work well for many parents.