To Do and Have Or To Be and Become

Eric Fromm wrote in his book, “To Have Or To Be,” that an age old controversy had existed between two lifestyles. One is to do things so you can have things and the other is to be something so you can become better. Humans appear to be motivated by both but one, according to him, is more fulfilling. This is the idea that we should give greater emphasis to being and becoming. Some think that here in 2007 we are in the “me” generation where people spend more time thinking about themselves, what they should get, and caring about what they want more than they are willing to care for others. I see some of that but I also see many people caring for, serving, and giving to others. So, I wonder about our society and what we are teaching ourselves and our children.

When I read and think about ideas like these I link them to the less-than-happy people I see in my travels and my work. They seek out professional services because they are not happy, come to lectures and ask questions because something is missing in their lives. They are often wealthy but their children are not successful, or they are successful in other achievements, but something is lacking in their lives. Sometimes they are not wealthy or successful and are frustrated by their condition.

There is reward for material things, social status, and influence. Many seek and find those rewards but people describe them as temporary and therefore they require periodic “fixes” to maintain. This is because organizing to be productive to do things and have things also causes some stress. When there is too much emphasis on these things the stress increases and people are less likely to feel other rewards such as love, warmth, tenderness, and the like. This makes their pursuit a bit hollow for them and the rewards temporary. What could we do otherwise?

There is an inner form of satisfaction, or reward, for certain forms of behavior that seems to also be rewarding. This comes from a focus on making oneself a better person. Becoming more honest, more loving, and more compassionate, for instance, has built-in fulfillment that lasts beyond the moment. This, I believe, comes from the idea that we are developmental people and continue to grow and improve as long as we live. When we develop or grow to some better form of behavior we receive an inner confirmation that such growth is a good thing. This effort usually has less stress tied to it and therefore people can feel greater and more positive emotional rewards.

When we search for activities and methods of creating growth most people look in art, music, and other creative expression. Many find doing something for others and belonging to compatible groups very satisfying. Whatever the enterprise, if we can feel ourselves being something better and trying to become a better form of the type of person we would like to be, we then feel calmer and more satisfied.

There is a simple test. Try spending one hour a week, for two weeks, expressing gratitude to other people in your life. In this case, try to use all the methods of showing it to as many people as possible in that hour. If you are happier after doing this, how would you explain this result? You would need to conclude that you have produced the happier feeling yourself, through your own actions. Then you would also need to evaluate whether a very positive “being” behavior like gratitude has the power to fulfill you. If, as I have learned, you will feel happier then it comes from being and becoming something better.