A Reality Married People Should Know About

Behavioral scientists have made great strides in their ability to research and uncover interesting, but hidden knowledge. Like any branch of science, however, there is a lag between new findings and what people generally know. For instance, over the years psychologists have created tests and conducted research about the descriptions of, and causes and effects of different personality traits. A trait is a fairly permanent form of behavior which is displayed in many different situations. Introversion, or social shyness or social reticence, is an example. A large testing industry has developed to measure these traits and exists for many different educational, business, and psychological programs. Most personality tests yield information about a certain trait or cluster of traits to characterize an individual’s life or personality. A modern version of such a test is the one which measures your personality color as red, white, blue, or yellow.

This research matches the layman’s way of interpreting people. Most of us, when making judgments, think about people by using trait names such as “kind,” “nurturing,” and etc. We do this even though there is more than one way to look at and understand your spouse. For instance, while all the emphasis has been given to studying personality traits, a less familiar but equally important finding has emerged concerning personality traits. As early as 1938 researchers trying to develop a test to measure honesty discovered that a person’s display of honesty often depended on the context or situation that person was in. This led to research about the influence of the social situation on how we act. In other words, how a person acts could be associated with the people he or she is with, the emotions of the situation, its purpose, and the setting or physical location.

For married people this means there is more than one “reality.” Suppose you are wondering why your spouse is acting a certain way that you may or may not like. And then suppose you form a judgment that your spouse acts a certain way because it is in his or her personality. At first glance you might think, “He has a bad temper,” or “She is selfish,” or “He learned to be critical from the way he was treated by his parents.” Or, you might think “She is a very giving woman,” and “He is a kind loving person.” Then, as a process of interpreting how and why your spouse acts a certain way, your judgments become a reality that you keep using even when there is evidence your spouse doesn’t act that way all of the time. Once you pin a negative label on your spouse, for instance, you continue to see your spouse in that manner even if there is contrary evidence.

I have seen many people who do this. A husband, for instance, might say, “My wife is cold and indifferent. She does nothing loving that I can remember.” If the wife is in the same room she might defend herself by pointing out several instances where she in fact did very kind and loving things for her husband. Even though he will reluctantly admit she is right, why doesn’t he see her accurately and why is he likely to dismiss the good things she has done? He has diagnosed her personality and given her a label and even though there is evidence to the contrary he will likely persist in seeing just what his judgment suggests. Unless, that is, he is given an alternative way to view his wife. This view, which is often more accurate and real, is the idea that her actions are influenced by the situation she is in. In other words, one reason why she acts as she does is because she is married to and communicates with him. In order for her to make changes, if that is what he wants, the chances are good he will need to change as well. Viewing the other person’s actions as being influenced by us and the situation the other person is in always helps us be a bit more humble than if we just make judgments and attach a label.