An Ethic For Sexual Passion

I grew up in a generation where sex was not openly talked about by adults to children. So that is my point of reference when I say that we are much more open than we used to be. I want to point out that openness about it has not seemed to resolve, or even given methods of resolving, the challenges married people face in their sexual relationship. And, it seems to me there are great numbers, perhaps a majority, of couples who simply get along, maybe survive, in their sexual relationship rather than find complete fulfillment. Although many married couples find their sex lives to be less than they desire, it doesn’t mean that everyone is having less sex. It is more like the philosopher Rollo May’s view that we are living in the New Puritanism. The Old Puritanism was no sex but lots of passion. The new version is lots of sex and no passion.

When Master’s and Johnson’s famous studies were reported it opened the door for more sexual knowledge and understanding, at least from the perspective of physical performance. Following their landmark reports others wrote about the mental and emotional aspects of sex suggesting that the brain was the most important part of sexual response. And, that sex is not something one does to another person, or for them, but with them. But for some reason much of the knowledge acquired in these settings has not transferred to the practical and everyday lives of men and women. We still see a variety of problems where couples cannot get themselves synchronized to be good companions for each other. As a result where we have the potential of a wonderful and human experience to be shared with the one we love, sex is instead often much less than that.

So, I propose an ethic for passion. Sex is more passionate and satisfying when it is designed and participated in to meet a variety of physical, emotional, and psychological desires. No part of this can be ignored in the totality of one’s relationship. When sex is isolated from the context of a total relationship it may bring temporary passion but eventually, in my experience, the temporary passion is replaced by the routine which is less passionate. The evidence for this is found in the following ideas. Women are more passionate and responsive when they have high trust in their partner. Men tend to find greater fulfillment when erotic experience is linked to a deep intimacy and feelings of approval. Further, many couples who report having a great sexual experience tend to be those who communicate often and well, who frequently display love for each other, who successfully make mutual decisions together, and in many other ways make certain they consider the importance of both people.

Contrast these with the situations where one partner wants sex more frequently than the other, perhaps applies too much persuasion, and, as a couple, they have no way to resolve the difference. Or, when one person withdraws from sex because of anger and frustration and won’t participate in attempts to find a solution. Or, when two people communicate so poorly or so seldom there is little companionship. Or, when one frequently feels a great deal of stress and instead of taking the time with a companion to join themselves together in warm cadence of feelings simply wants a stress release. Each of these illustrates the absence of mutuality.

Mutuality (some call it intimacy) is a matter of getting ourselves together in a condition of synchrony. What one person does is matched by what the other does in a mutual activity. Synchrony is where practical methods exist to join two people together at mental, emotional, and physical levels. Men and women may differ in how they achieve this condition. Women usually want to talk in order to feel close to a partner and men may want to have sex to feel close. When they have been going at a different pace during the day it is wise to take time with each other in order to rejoin. This mutuality can be created by making certain you ask about and learn what your partner thinks about and wants in many situations. It can be created when you show as much concern for your partner during decision making as you show for what you want. It can be created when each person shows desire for the other, pays attention and recognizes highly personal and unique things, feels and shows empathy and compassion, feels and displays gratitude, and participates in the process of affection. Mutuality and the synchrony it creates precedes passion.