Kids Scared to Marry May Harm Our Society

Currently there is an increasing number of people who are single and never married. This number, when combined with people who are divorced, constitutes a very fast growing portion of our population. It is not as large as the age wave of baby boomers but it is much larger than most think. Census figures and some demographers suggest that thirty to forty percent of our nation’s adult population are single. As the number of single adults who are not married and have never married increases, the percentage of individuals living together in conjugal relationships also increases. While there is no body of extensive and solid research evidence comparing the stability of these relationships with legal marriages, current thought suggests these relationships are entered into because they are temporary and allow easy exits.

Apparently the reduction in marriage rates is the result of many factors, including the rapid rise in jobs which require people to travel extensively. Some attribute this situation to economic conditions which seem to make it more difficult to provide for a family. Educational differences between men and women may also be involved. More women are seeking higher education and may intimidate prospective husbands who do not. We also see researchers and writers describe fear of marrying as a result of childhood experience where parents have had painful marriages and divorced. Lastly, social scientists suggest reduced marriage rates per thousand in our country can, in part, be caused by relaxed sexual standards which make sex available to men and women who would otherwise marry to have a sexual relationship.

While these and other reasons are those most commonly studied by sociologists and family scientists, I believe there are other reasons why many fear committing to marriage. Many young adults report their reasons for being afraid to marry as: (1) not wanting to make a bad choice, (2) fear of assuming responsibility, (3) not wanting to feel their personal lives are managed by the need to make and keep commitments, (4) apprehension about the legal entanglements marriage appears to create.

The forgoing leads to the following conclusion. Young adults and scientists have told us why people do not marry but they do not seem to have answered this question: Why is fear that deters people from marrying greater than the security, attraction, fulfillment, and excitement marriage offers?

I have watched many different individuals face choices about marriage and based on my experience I offer the following as reasons for the fear. First, marriage now days is not based on traditional and preset roles for a husband a wife. In previous generations there was “men’s work,” and/or “women’s work” which were well defined. Plus these were mutually understood. A prospective husband knew in advance what he should do and a new wife had similar levels of knowledge about what wives are to do. They only had to ask themselves if they could do what the social roles prescribed. Now, with increased freedom of opportunity, these roles are less well defined. For many there is considerable ambiguity about them. Therefore, couples today are confronted by more uncertainty and have to negotiate about very significant matters without adequate knowledge or preparation. It requires high level skills to work throug who will do what and many may not be equipped, at least at first, to decide and agree on such issues as who will work and provide for the family, who will cook, who will do household chores, who will parent and how that will take place, and how to take care of each person’s values, and etc. If these have to be negotiated rather than being set by social and cultural custom, many who face marriage today often worry whether they can meet the social standard of a legal marriage. Further, even if prospective spouses know what he or she wants to do they still question and may not have evidence to be certain of the other person’s willingness to participate successfully. Many divorces early in marriage are about the failure of one or both to participate in negotiating a successful and agreed upon partnership.

Secondly, when dating couples are faced with assessing the other person’s partnership abilities they focus on eight areas: sex, money management, communication, in-law relationships, child care, religion, social relationships and household work. Any person may not be certain of his or her abilities in each of these areas but the level of each person’s apprehensions is almost matched by anxiety about how the other person will perform. This creates fear that they cannot control or exert enough power to influence the outcome of a marriage relationship.

Fear of marriage, if it results in limiting the number of people who marry, will gradually reduce our society’s ability to nurture and successfully prepare each coming generation. Where there may have been equal or a greater number of prepared children to face and master the tasks of life in an earlier generation, there will be an increased number of parents who are unprepared to care for the next generation’s children. More children will be cared for by people other than committed and caring parents. We can, even now, see an increasing number of this generation’s children being reared by grandparents and social-government agencies who, as some suspect, may be less effective than two committed people joined by a legal and love commitment. Depending on individual situations these types of child care may be very effective for any given child. Absent confident people who are tied together in marriage, grandparents and government institutions taken as a whole have yet to demonstrate they can be as successful as competent and caring parents.

We probably do not want to go back to the era when gender roles were prescribed. What then can we do? We can recognize a serious problem is brewing. We can take steps to increase and improve premarital education programs in schools and churches. Many high schools, for instance, do not include parent and marriage education. We can support current parents in their efforts to rear children by adjusting school and church schedules and laws which negate their efforts. Most importantly, we could help parents move beyond the usual child discipline to take a more prominent role in preparing their children with confidence they can marry successfully.