You Don’t Have To Get A Divorce

Where marriage and divorce are concerned the years of published research have produced some compelling, even surprising, results. One segment of this research has been described by Barbara Whitehead in the March 1993 Atlantic Monthly magazine. In her article she describes three longitudinal national studies about the effects of divorce on children. Large samples of people, many different studies, and good designs reveal that divorce, except in rare cases, has very pessimistic effects on children. Many of these consequences include lower grades, depression, social and emotional isolation.One negative consequence does not show up until the children of divorced parents try to establish emotionally intimate relationships themselves. In more familiar terms, parental divorce makes children fear marriage and causes many to have emotional issues when they try. In cases where physical and emotional abuse are involved, and there appears to still be large numbers, children are relieved from the pressure of conflict but still miss parental involvement.

In my own experience I can say that an increasing number of young marriages end because many men appear to be unprepared to work, to communicate, to share significant emotional experiences, and participate successfully in marital interaction. They are truly missing some basic marriage abilities and have failed to learn many important social and emotional lessons. I know there are two sides to each marital issue but in cases I’m familiar with, the women, many in their twenties and early thirties, have desires, goals, and are willing to invest in making marriage work. The husband often watches a lot of TV, plays with friends, and won’t discuss pertinent issues the wives wish to discuss. The wives eventually, and sadly, end a marriage within the first two years.

The second bit of research pertaining to divorce takes a different approach. This body of research shows that 85% of the married couples who once considered divorce, but did not, reported more happiness and satisfaction five years later. In other words, they solved their problems. A high percentage of divorces do not need to happen, especially if they take place because people are unhappy.

What did they do? Some sought professional help, but many simply followed an axiom I learned about after watching large numbers of married couples improve their sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. This axiom states that “bad things happen because good things don’t.” This suggests that the happiest couples are those who do two things. They know how to be positive by focusing on what brings them happiness, communicating love and affection, and they search for and find what satisfies them and express that to each other. They do this using many different individual but effective methods.

They also know how to limit or eliminate criticism, complaining, blaming, and condemning. They have the same number of problems as people who get divorced but they have developed actual practical skills to solve problems without letting problems or differences cause hurt and pain. Some of these skills are like those which are found in “marriage matters,” on this website.

So, focusing on the positive and communicating it in many ways is one half the solution. It works because happy couples limit the negative potential by achieving and communicating positive experiences. They also limit negative potential by using good skills to address challenges so they do not cause hurt and fear. Based on the first line of research, their efforts and skills are rewarded by stable and happy marriage relationships and children who can marry and find happiness.

Have some thoughts? Would love to hear them.