One of my sons decided to try a parenting approach we developed at the Legacy Foundation to help promote achievement in school. This approach is based on the idea that family leadership should include providing a structure for children and the way to do that is for parents to meet with the whole family. He and his wife have four children, three great boys and one marvelous little girl. When they started, they met together and decided they would work out arrangements for work, for their relationships, and family rules. One son is fourteen, the other is ten, the the other is five. Everyone in the family had some work assigned. They talked over new ways to improve how they treated each other. They all agreed to start work each summer day before nine thirty and have it all done by noon. They had other rules and other relationship ideas, all organized to make themselves into a very good family.

As he told about what happened he said the very next week they all worked better and his wife felt like she had a wonderful new tool to use in organizing the family where all the kids are home for the summer. The next week the work didn’t go so well, but they had a family meeting and talked over what was done well and what was not. Some improvements took place the following week, but still there were areas that could be improved. As they went along they made appropriate adjustments to account for special events and so forth. But, he said, when the boys know we are going to have a family meeting they feel much more responsible. He had discovered a way to promote accountability without yelling.

I have worked in this non profit foundation for the last few years and have worked to develop this parental approach and tested it in hundreds of families. We were apprehensive it would not work in some families where there was little leadership or where cultural conditions did not allow for this form of democratic approach. We were wrong. This method of using family meetings softens autocratic parenting because meeting with kids and organizing to create a “great family,” works better and takes less parental pressure to get kids to implement what was agreed upon. Where there is too little leadership parents have found the simple structure to be within their motivation and skill set. It only didn’t work when parents did not care what the kids did.

It is interesting to see how important families are to the children in them. They will work hard to make certain they do their part to create a good family and avoid the consequence of hurting someone else. They will adjust and improve how they treat each other in order to accomplish the same goal. Rules, an appropriate number of them, come to be seen as useful guidelines rather than coercive devices. Probably the most important thing is the fact that all family members are working together to achieve common goals. This strengthens the feelings of attachment that are often missing when families do not eat or talk much together.

Many of us need a sudden about face when it comes to our families. It is heartening to hear how more men are becoming more invested in being parents. And, it is no longer so socially regressive to want to be a mother and wife full time. I believe it is possible for everyone to get more of what is important to them and still have a great family if families work together, communicate together, and develop work, relationships, and rules which they apply.

I recently met with parents of a teen age boy who was not doing what they hoped he would do in school, with friends, and engaged in several experimental and high risk possibilities. They expressed concerned but said they felt powerless because they knew that at his age everything he was doing was “his choice.” I asked how they communicated their recognition of his freedom to choose and they indicated they often repeated that, “its your choice.” I also asked them how they felt about telling him what they wanted him to do and they indicated they did that only occasionally and when they did their son quickly reminded them that “his life was his choice.” I think the parents do not have a good concept of real freedom.

I believe this whole idea of children’s freedom to choose begins when children are young and parents attempt to discipline by identifying two alternatives and asking the child to choose. Plus, we live in a time when political correctness suggests that people should not impose their ideas on others. I also think these parents, and others like them, are afraid of the conflict they believe will happen if they are definite about their ideas, and that being definite will take away a child’s freedom to choose. All of these create tremendous risks for children and potential disasters for families. To avoid these it is useful to consider the real freedom to choose.

Why do many parents forget they are typically wiser and more experienced than their children? Why do they think it is improper to teach, inform, persuade, guide, and limit their children in order to encourage, motivate, inspire, and sometimes insist on one course of action over another? I think it is because of some inappropriate notion they have about their responsibilities and their sense of freedom. So, I would like to clearly communicate my position. Just because children have freedom to choose their parents are not free from responsibility for what their children do, how they act, and the choices they make. Sometimes we would like to be free but we are not either morally or legally free from duty.

It is helpful to remember that for children there are two types of freedom. When any child, especially teen agers say they want to be free they usually are talking about the idea of “freedom from,” some forms of external control. They want to move away having family rules or parental constraints. They want the form of freedom which allows them to do what they want without the idea of consequence. Many parents buy that form of false logic even though it is wholly irrational to think that any of us are totally free from some forms of control, responsibility, and accountability. When people act without law or constraint and harm others, we impose law and restraint because they cannot or will not.

There is a second form of freedom which parents should consider. It is the “freedom to,” do things which is a psychological freedom made up of feelings, dreams, hopes, and positive experiences. This form of freedom exists when children are law abiding and obedient. It exists when children decide positive things for themselves and display the self discipline to achieve what they decide. This freedom is felt when children organize themselves to avoid harming people and instead do constructive, useful things. When parents are clear about what they want for and from their children, they may be imposing a bit of restraint on their children, but this does not rob the children of freedom “to” choose unless parents impose such restrictive restrains that children cannot say their opinions or act on their volition. When parents engage in effective forms of communication to persuade, motivate, and teach this does not rob their children of freedom to choose if they are communicating positive desires for their children and hoping children will choose a course of action that will result in their happiness and well being.

A high school student who disciplines herself to get good grades at the end of school has more freedom “to,” choose because more options exist. Children who organize themselves and manage their chores typically have more free time to play without guilt or parental constraints. Children who form positive relationships of trust with parents typically feel more free to act and select alternatives for themselves because they are confident their choices will be in the “range of tolerance,” provided by their parents.

I advised these parents to make a few changes in their approach to their son. To begin with it would help if they took the time to decide what they truly wanted for their son in terms of their values, social behavior, academic work, friendships, and etc. Then they needed to ensure they agreed with each other. Following this I proposed they start calmly telling him what they wanted for him and give him reasons why their ideas could and should be accepted. Their response was, “what if he isn’t willing to talk?” I proposed that he would talk and listen in return for the use of the car or money he wanted from them. They agreed and since then I have met with their son who is more positive about his life, and more willing to hear what his parents want for him.

Having had the privilege to speak to several groups of people I have found that one of the topics they find most interesting, but controversial is the subject of morality. This subject is much like any concept or idea which is a bit ambiguous but laden with intense emotions. These emotions, of course, are tied to the idea that whatever it is, morality is important and because it is important we should be very concerned about who teaches our children. This is especially the case for sexual morality. Some people seem to think that sexual morality is not a topic that should be talked about in public. No public organization, including schools, should even be involved with it. While you might agree or disagree about this I think there are some other concerns. One is, that children need some guidelines and I think parents are the best people to teach them. A second concern has other implications. Sometimes people’s concern about sexual morality spreads to concern about other forms of morality such as honesty, responsibility, understand consequences, and etc. Not teaching about sexual morality often is linked to not teaching about other forms of morality as well. This is not the only problem.

It seems to me that some people are divided over whether churches are a good place for morality to be taught. These individuals often worry about the idea that some people, whom they may not trust, will legislate morality to them and to their children, teaching a narrow type or different kind than what they want. Churches are designed to be influential and so it is a reasonable concern. Churches and religious teaching are a logical link to questions of morality but they are not the only authority on the matter. Some civil or secular ideas are useful too. The question, then is what to do. Take a look at the section in this website titled, “One Year At a Time.” It is designed to give ideas of what parents can do each year of their children’s lives.

Others, who may know more about morality, think of it as something they want for their children but may not be certain how to teach or educate them. Still others are very interested. Both of these groups listen in an effort to see what they might learn. The point of all this is fairly easy to understand. There appear to be so many divisions among us, and we do not wish to have conflict over it, that for many the decision they have made is to not teach much about it at all.

I am not certain what others think about this, but this whole thing scares me. Not because I am worried about the ideas inside the domain of morality, but because children who are not taught to live it are often those that hurt us and themselves. I remember when I first started doing research about moral development. The more I read the more excited I became because it was easy to see that the ideas in moral development gave purpose and motivation to every other form of education at home and at school. It has in it the most wholesome, constructive, and positive ideas I have ever found regarding the best way to organize families and teach children.

I will include one of these here. Any idea taught to a child about right and wrong or good and bad can be strengthened if parents use a one line application adage. Does some form of behavior help or harm people? The reason this idea is so powerful is because it is distributed throughout our society in both general and specific terms. This idea is the basis for virtually all of our moral relationships. If you wished to think of morality in terms of laws and legal processes, for instance, you would discover that what helps or harms someone is the root question of our entire jurisprudence system, including legislatures and courts. This is not to say they always do what is right for every person, it is merely recognizing the obvious. People debate about what will help people the most and what will harm them the least.

Religious doctrines and dogmas are the same. Why is something a commandment or a doctrine? We may disagree about the substance of either of these, but we can easily see that each is based on someone’s notion of what helps people and what harms them. In this case the helping or harming might have spiritual or religious implications. so it will be important for parents to pay attention to what is being taught and decide whether you agree with it. Even inside the same religion there are a variety of view points where morality is concerned.

So the stage is set for our families. If you don’t trust others to teach your children, and even if you do, how about learning about morality and teaching it to your own children? Parents provide a cognitive map which children use to make judgments about others and decisions for themselves. When your children face conflicting problems and challenges to decide how they will act or what course of action they will follow, what ideas will be in their minds which serve as guidelines for them? I propose you consider that along with other possibilities, the idea of examining any course of action from the point of view of helping and harming someone will generally lead to better decisions and judgments than many others or natural impulses.

We should not be afraid of morality but instead see it as the opportunity it really is to teach our children how to succeed individually and with people. If we teach it well, it is not narrow or restrictive. It is not a set of burdens that weigh our children down with excessive guilt or shame. It is a framework that motivates and inspires. Those who know it and live it say it is among the most important of all knowledge.

I like the idea of change as long as it results in progress. I like a lot of the new things I see going on around me and there are some I do not like very much. I am watching young people’s dating practices and there are changes now which are fun and positive and some that are not. I wished that boys still called girls or talked to them face to face when asking for a date. I wished when boys asked girls to dance at a school dance they took them back to their seats and thanked them instead of leaving them standing in the middle of the dance floor. I have watched how children and parents treat each other and small evolutions in parental practices. I am dismayed by some of the things I hear parents and children say to each other. I have observed how men and women treat each other now days, our ideas about how to treat each other, and how to form lasting relationships. Some of these seem to be positive but there are a lot of things I do not like. I have never once heard someone say, “I am getting a divorce, because we showed too much respect for each other.”

I am not a very negative person and I don’t think I am grumbling about how much better the past was than the present. I think the best of times is right now. Having written that, however, I am making a plea for us all to do something better and reach into the past and take a lesson from those years. As a boy growing up my parents taught several displays or methods of showing respect. In my parents’ teachings I learned to stand when a woman entered the room, open doors for a woman, defend a women who might be disadvantaged by some unfair treatment, stand until a woman is seated at dinner, use respectful voice tones and language around women, be circumspect in public, to see each person as unique and avoid categorizing one woman into a group of all women. I had it clearly emphasized how to communicate with someone in authority, be considerate, and etc. I am not claiming I always do those things or have always done them well but from what I am watching now, I believe we ought to give greater emphasis to teaching these social skills. I believe there are good reasons why we should.

One reason why many males are passive in relation to females, in social situations, is that boys have no agreed upon forms of behavior to display. The forms of social behavior are highly situational and all will benefit if we know in advance that in certain situations there are certain types of positive behavior. Once learned they let men do something active and feel confident about how to treat a woman. Some girls might appreciate these forms of respect and some may not. To some girls standing or waiting while boys open doors appears to them as weak and helpless rather than seeing this gesture as an agreed upon social ritual that lets one gender show respect for the other. Most women would appreciate male assertiveness, not dominance, as a form of confidence. I believe the feminine movement in the United States might have had positive objectives but their methods of attacking males as a means of trying to achieve equality was misguided and destructive.

I also believe that our girls could stand a good dose of emphasis about showing respect for fathers and males. We can teach girls to express opinions, voice assertive ideas, and exert control over themselves without at the same time belittling, and condemning. When girls participate in the rituals of respect they have one additional way of interacting with men other than using their bodies as the sole enticement. Both men and women are ennobled when men and women show respect in many different appropriate ways.

As the incidents of verbal and physical abuse and other forms of mistreatment increase in our society it seems like we would recognize the truth of the idea that the antidote to that is rigorous training in the art of respect. After having my experience as a child I am dumbfounded that any man would mistreat his wife whom he wants to love and care for him or that any father would allow a son or daughter to hurt their mother. Likewise I can’t imagine why a woman would belittle her husband when talking with her friends. We don’t have to allow this to happen in our families.

When we go to some social setting we can teach our children what to do and practice that before the event itself. At meal times, for instance, we can teach our children about etiquette and manners. In addition we can single out many different versions of respect and describe them and their effects on people. Instead of sitting down when someone approaches to show we have greater status, unless we are infirm or a woman, why don’t all of us men stand all of the time to show regard. We can give a woman our seat on a bus when there are none available. We can help a mother with young children. We can practice many forms of respect in our families. Then, when we go out together for a sit down dinner, we can practice as well until our children learn how to act. We can point out positive and negative examples of respect and discuss the positive and negative consequences. There are, of course, many other methods.

On one occasion when I was leaving to go on a date, my mother asked if I had a clean handkerchief. I thought, what is going on here? She had me get of the car, return to the house, and get a new clean one. I finally asked her. She told me this most interesting truth. “You will be surprised,” she said, “what impresses a girl. Girls pay attention to things boys don’t.” That experience has led me to check and inspect my handkerchiefs regularly. I am impressed with the power of my mother’s teachings. We can and ought to as powerful and we should do it with regard to respect and honor for each other.

In our area most of the school children are out of school for the Summer. A minority are in year around schools and at most they are home for three weeks at a time. This presents both a challenge and an opportunity for parents. The challenge of course is to figure out what to do with children all the time that is available and the opportunity is to use this time for important purposes. Many parents enroll them in special classes, sports, and etc. to occupy them. I would like to suggest a few other ideas.

There are two family principles parents can take advantage of and use this time to teach children some very important life lessons. The first is that children who can adapt themselves to different situations are typically more successful and healthy than children who cannot adapt well. Adapt means to adjust to a circumstance with positive emotions, correct language, and appropriate behavior and motivation. The second principle is the idea that parents can structure their family for different outcomes or purposes. This family structure becomes the environment or the conditions which children first adapt to and then use as a cognitive map in many of the situations they will face outside the family. For instance if you want children to be successful in school then structure your family for achievement, learning, and character. They will learn in the home each of these three important skills and then go to school better able to succeed there. (In fact fact, check out the new “Close the Distance,” which will soon be part of this website. You can have dramatic impact on your children’s school achievement). If you want your children to live your religion in a certain way then it would be a good thing to structure your family by applying religious practices and teach religious lessons that they will find in your religious activities. Social skills can be taught in the same way. You can structure your family for sociability, friendliness, inclusion, and mutual involvement. Important emotions can be taught in a similar manner. If you want your children to be good at love they will need to see parents love each other and feel loved and loving and do loving things. Failing this your children will learn something else, because family life is not neutral where nothing is learned.

Suppose then when you had more time with your children you limited TV watching and video games. You regulated cell phone use and text messaging. Create a starting time for chores and asked for chores to be completed well before any time was given to play. You might also suggest that children read a certain amount and practice a weekly character trait like “cooperation,” or “respect,” each week. In order to set this in motion organize a family meeting where every family member talks about having a “good family,” and all agree to set and achieve these goals in order to have a good family. Have a follow up weekly meeting, to ensure consistency, and review what has been done the previous week and praise achievement and request better work when that is needed. After a couple of weeks teach the idea that certain forms of behavior help the family and each other and other forms of behavior harm people, including the person and the family. Use that idea to help children apply what you are structuring.

Based on the research we have conducted with this model of leadership you will be amazed at how much easier it is to motivate children and influence them toward goals and values you aspire to. One lady said,”I love this, in twenty minutes a week I can create more order in my family than I can spending all of my time trying to get them to do what I ask.” If you want a sample of activities you can do with your children click on “the store,” on the menu bar and look at the “Family Solutions” book to see if that will help you. The book is inexpensive compared to most books that size and will show you how to implement this model of family leadership.

The point of all of this is that we need to be much more proactive in organizing and leading our families. The concepts of parenting most of us were reared with placed parental actions after their children’s. This means that we are reactive to what our kids do and feel like we are spending most of our time trying to get them to stop doing something or trying to get them to do something we want them to which they do not want. Quite often this starts a struggle between parents and children that takes many different forms, most of them not happy. Family leadership is a better idea, in my opinion, because it lets parents plan, take the offensive, and exert the type of influence they want.

The other day I read a newspaper account of young teen agers sending explicit sexual messages via text messaging. The article also suggested that kids have used their cell phones to photograph tests in school and share them with friends and even text message during the test either asking for answers of telling friends about the questions. Further, some had been caught taking and sending obscene pictures of themselves to others. The article made me think.

The content of the messages is sensational and certainly needs to be understood, but there is something else which was not addressed in the article that I believe we should focus on. In my opinion it deserves more attention. We have not successfully adapted to the inroads technology has made in our families. For instance, every minute parents or children play video games, watch TV, use computer games, and etc. is a minute they are not spending with each other. I am not suggesting that all entertainment be curtailed. But, I propose the obvious. Spending time talking, listening, playing, working on projects, praying, learning, and etc. is also time that builds the emotional ties that good relationships are based on. I am as interested in new technology as anyone, but as someone whose professional life has revolved around mental health, child development, and the family I see things from that perspective. It takes a certain about of time and attention and awareness to create and maintain good family relationships. These relationships provide the basis for healthy child development, moral growth, and other forms of success. If the basis for good relationships is not provided or is lost the emotional ties that make parents influential with children are not created. It is as simple as that. And, if those ties do not exist when children need the security of parental wisdom and encouragement from parents’ example they do not find them. I have seen that on many occasions because many of the children and youth I have seen professionally have not been blessed with these powerful and influential emotional attachments with their parents.

This state of affairs implies something else. We need to change our views of parenting to one of family leadership. Here is why. There are two essential pillars of good parenting. These are adjusting our family practices to the individuals in our families and to the environmental conditions we rear our families in. For example, it makes a good deal of sense of have more family rules in a threatening environment than we do when we live where there is less threat to our children. Failure to have more rules when they are needed and less rules when appropriate affects children’s morale about the way their parents lead them. As it turns out this is a major issue for children of every age and affects how willing they are to accept their parents authority.

For years we have been focused on parenting and studied parenting with several names. Some of these are child centered parenting, positive parenting, authoritative parenting, autocratic parenting, permissive parenting and etc. While the ideas these concepts have generated may be useful they do not directly address the two pillars to good parenting mentioned above. Instead, and in virtually every case, they place the parents responses and reactions after those of the child. They do not describe how parents can organize a plan of action for their families and their children. These are better found in the idea of family leadership because the term “leadership,” implies the idea of vision, strategy, forming allies and unity around the strategy, focusing on individuals, and measuring progress toward some objectives. This very “proactive,” orientation appears to be needed to compensate for the intrusion of technology on family life. If parents are passive in response to technology then gradually family time will include more time with the computer and etc. ignoring the need for the essential conditions of high quality family life.

We are late in responding because we did not know how to anticipate what would happen to us and our children, but having seen what happens when we do not get ourselves focused we can learn new forms of leadership and make our families compete more successfully. Our children deserve it.

Attention deficit disorders are well known to nearly everyone. But, as in many other similar cases the name of something often does not suggest the real problem or what the solution is. Some of us think that if we see unusual or difficult behavior giving it a name makes us feel better and will give us methods to provide solutions for it. Instead, sometimes giving something a name is like a brand that stays with us much longer than it should and even confuses the issue.

I will give an example. Today most people agree on the symptoms of attentional problems The most common include susceptibility to distractions, difficulty concentrating, failure to develop self regulation skills, difficulty focusing on learning tasks, interrupting others, failure to keep time, and mood swings or vulnerability to depression. Hyperactivity may or may not be a part of attentional problems. Now, having described the most common symptoms consider other parts of the issue.

There is more than one type of attentional problem. One kind is based on the idea that the brain works inefficiently (especially brain neuron synapses) and a certain type of medication (e.g. ritalin) stimulates the production of a neural transmitter (dopamine) that helps the brain be more efficient. Another kind of attentional problem is based on the idea that the brain works too slow and receives more stimulation than it can handle, like a bottle neck, and children lose attention to external conditions because they are working on what is going on inside their brains. Another view is that the brain is working too fast and does not have enough information to keep it going well.

There are other types and there is still controversy about what causes it. Some, for example, still think that food, especially food dyes and sugar may be the cause. Based on my reading of the research there is no established link between food and this problem. Research has consistently shown that it is likely inherited because it is shown in cognitive disorders that can be passed on to one generation after another.

I have learned there are a few things parents can do to help out. (1) Change your parenting approach to address the child’s emotions before trying to control his or her actions. Learn to speak calmly and teach the child to focus on feelings and talk about them. Children in this situation typically are very anxious and need help managing their anxieties. (2) Create a structured rule environment where children can succeed and make progress at self management. This might include firmly enforced rules about bed time, meal time, social behavior, and etc. (3) As children grow older help them understand their own tendencies so they can talk about them and develop strategies for success. Children typically are very willing to understand themselves. (4) Practice cognitive skills such as memory, concentration, following directions after hearing two or three at one time discriminating between things that look alike, delay of gratification, and visualizing their plans. For instance, put six small objects in front of the child, give him ten seconds to look at them, then ask him to close his eyes while you remove one object. Ask which one is missing. Or, put a piece of candy out in the open and tell the child he can have a cracker now or the piece of candy in a few minutes if he is willing to wait. (5) Find them and reward natural talents where children can succeed. Many children with attentional problems may have strong rhythm and coordination skills, creativity, or the ability to build and make things.(6) Use a variety of learning methods where school is concerned, especially methods that will permit “hands on” experiences. Use see, hear, and touch methods. (7) Use medication only as a short term plan while behavior becomes stabilized then remove the medication and practice cognitive skills. If more medication is needed then use on an alternating basis between practice and stability. (8) Help children learn an internalized measure of their value so they are less dependent on schools achievement or social success for their self esteem.

We seem to be faced with increasing numbers of children who are diagnosed as having an attentional disorder. In my opinion, we need to help them, but we should also not forget there are many ways to promote their success and there are many who have attentional problems who have found areas of great achievement.

Several years ago I read Steven Hawkings book titled “A brief history of time.” He was a renowned physicist, as most know, and the book was about science and how it relates to our understanding of time. I found the whole idea interesting because I could see some connections between what he was saying about science and about relationships. There are many different ways to think about space and time and relationships. Here is an example. All our relationships of strangers, friends, and family members are organized mentally in terms of how close or distant and how much time or the lack of it is spent with the other people. Marriage, for instance, is usually thought of as closer than an uncle or nephew relationship. And, spending time is often thought of as a measure of interest, commitment, and desire. The point is we use both space and time to evaluate
our relationships.

Until lately I have not thought that our ideas of space and time where matter where relationships are concerned. I have come to believe they are crucial and are so embedded in our lives they are often linked to a cognitive map we develop as we grow. In a family where much time is spent with each other family members often have a different mental map than someone whose childhood was in a family where members spent little time with each other. Families who live in the same place, for instance, appear to influence their children to stay close by. Families who move a lot tend to have children that move away from their home residence. When parents and children spend a lot of time together while children are young, the children often tend to spend more time with each other even after marrying themselves.

Further, our ideas about space seem to be learned in much the same way. The idea of “needing space,” which means being left alone, is another example of how people develop personal maps that include space and time. Some people need a lot of space away from others and some require less. Our ideas about when we need space and when we can be involved with others also can be part of this map. For instance, some individuals can stand little stress and want to be away to have their own space a lot more often than someone else.

As it turns out the ideas of personal space and the organization of time are two of the fundamentals which make or break relationships. A clingy person is desired only by someone who likes to be clung to. A clingy person who seeks closeness is often less attractive to someone who is highly independent and values his or her space. A punctual, on time person, values his or her time in this way and measures friendship or concern by whether the other person places similar value on time. Conflict in either of these areas suggests the possibility of other relationship problems. There are numerous other examples.

What does this mean? Probably a lot more than I am going to right about but at least a few of the following things. When selecting a potential marriage partner it would be well to get a good idea about how well you are matched on space and time. Learn how your friends think about those two things and examine if you can adjust to any differences between the two of you. It may save your friendship. Examine your own mental map and see what you believe about space and time. What you believe may influence where you want to live, how many people you want to live around, and how far you want to travel.

When do you want and need space from others and what kind of space do you wish for? What forms of time are important to you (just watch when you are on time and when you are not) and see if you are losing friends because you don’t pay attention to their ideas about space and time.

Some of us would do well to think a little more about space and time and if you don’t you probably will think about them when you have problems. It is easier to be proactive. The success of our friendships, marriages, and families may depend on it.

There are few family events more sobering that someone passing away. Even when the possibility is known in advance someone dying causes us to reflect and remind ourselves about things very important to us. I am old enough to have had both parents die, my in laws, a brother, and other family relatives as well. Professionally I have had the privilege of helping people who are terminally ill and their family members. I regard these experiences as a privilege because even though the emotions are solemn and sad, being with people during these times reveals much about them one ordinarily does not see.

Most of us are familiar with the grief cycle of denial, anger, resolution, acceptance, and eventually peace of mind. I have watched people go through those steps and even tried to help people move from stage to stage. In the process I have learned something else I would like to point out. It is about the role of death in families and how it is interpreted by them.

When I was in high school a student acquaintance was killed in a car accident. Because I knew her and traveled on the bus to school with her I was asked by her parents to be a pall bearer. I accepted without knowing much about that. As I watched her family deal with their loss I was able to begin my understanding of what death means to family.

I went to the cemetery and waited while the ceremonies were completed and was leaving when something very dramatic took place. In those days the officials didn’t wait until everyone was gone before they lowered the casket and as we were moving away from the grave they started the process. Hearing the associated sounds this girls mother broke from her husband’s comforting arm and started walking back toward the grave. Tears streaming down her cheeks she walked close by me saying, “don’t take my baby away.” She stumbled and fell to her knees, right in front of me, allowing her husband to catch her. He took her in his arms and restrained her while comforting her in the process. This whole scene shook me up a bit and has stayed in my memory. It made death and the process of adjusting to it very real.

From this family and many others I have learned that we can face death in different ways. Some of these are better for us and for members of the family. For instance, I have seen young couples give up on their marriages after a child dies. For some reason their love for each other dies too because they cannot get over the sense of guilt and blame they each feel for themselves and for the other. I have watched as parents children in accidents and felt their sorrow related to the missed opportunities which results. I have seen older people face death with grace and dignity. In all of it I have seen people face death with great courage and some with anger and resentment.

On one occasion a terminally ill man was so resentful of it he became grumpy, demanding, and very irritable. He made life miserable for the other members of his family. I had read an account where a therapist had helped someone face death by reminding him of a tomato plant and how it continues to ripen its fruit even after it is pulled from the ground. I tried that on him and it worked. He went home from my office sorry he was causing so much difficulty, gathered all his immediate family around him and apologized. He used his remaining time more positively.

I conclude from these and many other experiences that death gives us an opportunity to learn. Most importantly I have learned that the process of death and dying is subject to our own interpretation and most of want it to be full of meaning and importance. How we interpret death may be connected to religious beliefs or the absence of them but the awareness that we can choose how we interpret death gives us a sense of power that is very useful. Where families are concerned we can teach each other how to interpret it. We can use this tool as a way of comforting children, as a way of responding to our own loss, and as a way of facing it ourselves. For instance, we can understand that where there is great loss there was also great love. Where there is great sadness there was once great joy. Where there is great loneliness there was great belonging. Then, if we choose, we can think of the departed in those terms and remind ourselves of the many wonderful things they meant and will continue to mean to us. Having the choice to interpret death in a way that matters to us is indeed a wonderful thing.

When words are repeated they often catch our attention and when they are repeated in similar situations they seem more significant and may create more than casual interest.
For me, this is the case when married people talk about mistakes they have made and wish to excuse the mistake by describing it as small or little. One might say after making the mistake, “it is just a little thing.” The idea, I suppose, is that small mistakes should be more easily over looked and if one doesn’t do that then the inference is that the offended party is somehow unreasonable or unforgiving. While the motive for this whole business might be to limit embarrassment or shame, some small mistakes communicate something very big. I will give some examples.

A man saved for and purchased an expensive European car. He was very proud of it and loved to drive it and receive the admiring glances of other people. On one occasion, while he was at work, his wife took the car and while driving it, what hit by another driver denting the left front fender. When she told him about the accident, to her surprise he became angry at her and called her a familiar but hurtful name. When she recoiled he quickly realized his mistake and told her he was sorry and that he had just, “lost it” and she should not make too much out of it. But, she did.

On another occasion a husband and wife agreed on a business deal. When the husband was in a negotiation, he violated his deal with his wife and gave the other men more than what he and she had agreed. When he told her of what he had done, she was hurt and reminded him of their original agreement. He reacted defensively and blamed her for her lack of confidence in him, but then later he apologized. She found it difficult to accept what he had done. Was this a small thing?

On another occasion, a woman promised her husband she would meet him and their friends for dinner at a certain time. On the appointed evening she was forty five minutes late. She had been talking with one of her close friends and had failed to look at the time. This had happened more than once. When reminded about this she casually tried to make it look like the whole thing was overblown and unimportant. Was this a small thing?

By now you might be thinking that no one is perfect and I should just face that fact. Married people have to accept these sorts of things as part of being married. While many people are faced with some “small” mistakes and do not stay angry about them, other types of mistakes are seldom forgotten and quite frequently they are brought up again and again in subsequent arguments or discussions. They seem to have a life of their own and the memory of hurt lingers. On these occasions one spouse will blame the other for having too good a memory and failing to forgive.

In many marriages memories of these mistakes begin to characterize the relationship and both have their library of hurtful memories which are mingled in their thoughts about their relationship. Why are these little mistakes so hurtful and why are they remembered?

It is because these mistakes are not little they are serious because they are considered symbols of how committed, attentive, loyal, and loving one person may not be. When reasons for divorce are identified a researcher or writer might say it is because of disagreements about sex, money, or something else. But, even if a couple argues about sex or money inside those arguments is a growing belief that one or both do not demonstrate the priority that loving and being committed is of great value. In one case the man whose wife had a car accident could have asked if she was alright and since the damage had been done he could have controlled his tongue and avoided communicating to his wife that she was less important to him than the left front fender of his car. The businessman could have excused himself from his business negotiations and talked with his most important partner. All the people in the business negotiation would have understood. The woman who was often late could learn to value her word and her husband’s time. These are small things to symbolize commitment.

When it comes to the symbols of our priority in life, it is useful to remind ourselves that we want our marriage partner to love and care for us. We want our partner to be giving, loyal, and comforting. It is not a small thing if we want, even apply pressure, and then treat that person as if he or she is less important to us than something or someone else. This is true even if we have our own emotional reasons for the mistake. If we want commitment from the other person we need to show that same priority. It will ennoble us and reaffirm that we are “in to the other person” and know how to truly show the degree of our love.